Naturally Outspoken

Silppers and Socks

2011-09-19T16:51:00.000+12:00

Not really a heading that has anything to do with anything but it jumped into my head so there it goes.

My life is getting more and more busy with a thousand and one things always on the To Do List.

Actually, that makes me think it may be time to write a list on all the things I need to get done.

I have found my blogging journey has changed quite a over the last couple of years. It used to be my every day thing, had to write, had to dish out my opinions and musings to those who dared listen. I had to read other's blogs all the time, it was like going to the pub without the beer and singing along to the juke box. The advent of Fakebook probably had a lot to do with my downturn in literary spoutings. It's the "instant gratification" buzz of having someone respond so quickly without much effort on my behalf. Which last night got me thinking - do I even talk to many people at all any more? Do I visit or phone anyone? When did I last write a bloody letter?? After much thought and self analysis I came to the conclusion that life has taken a bit of a downward spiral in the communication stakes.

I used to pride myself on my use of the English language, my ability to keep in contact with people and my track record of maintaining old friendships. Now, if you're not on Fakebook or texting me back, then we probably haven't been chewing the fat for a long while. Even emails seem too much hard work.

So my goal for the next week - amongst catching up on four assignments, getting started on another two, exercising, mothering, farming, learning off of my endurance mentor, cleaning and my Board of Trustees duties - is to write a letter to an old friend and, here's the big challenge, ACTUALLY SEND IT.

I challenge you to do the same, comment and let me know who you are going to write to and why and a bit of the history. I will give you the same courtesy - I will be writing to the lass who read a reading at my wedding and then proceeded to fall asleep on the toilet at the venue later on in the night and get locked in after everyone had left. Those are the mates you should never stop communicating with.

Buddha Arse

2011-09-03T19:34:00.000+12:00

That's me at the moment. I am sitting at the computer looking at my reflection in the window and I'm looking awfully like a buddha, except there is no gleeful little smile on my dial.

So what has happened in the last four months??

Sian has spent another two nights in hospital, going by ambulance both times for her asthma. The last time was at 2.30am in the morning and when the ambulance finally made it all the way out here her oxygen stats were only 77!! I was very scared - it's a long 45 minute drive from here to Christchurch Hospital and she was on oxygen and ventolin by nebuliser the whole way there with the oxygen stats not even lifting that much...

She seems to have come through the other side of it though and just went through a really bad flu without having to be hospitalised which was a great bonus.

Now she is back at preschool three days a week which is brilliant for me and my study.

I have been very busy with my Naturopathy units and have a couple to get in before I finish Module 1 of 7. Took me a while to get over the fact that I had to redo a lot of the units that I have already passed and have NZQA recognition for but once I got there eventually. Sometimes you just have to let things go....

Anyway, my new motto is:

We can not become what we need to be by remaining what we are - Max Dupree

Wherethefuckareyou???

2011-05-09T11:39:00.001+12:00

Wow, how time has flown when life is hectic and crazy.

Sian has been very sick with asthma for the past 5 weeks and has been on prednisone for 4 out of those 5 weeks. Ended up in hospital again and it's just been one thing after another.

And then a very special wee friend of ours died tragically just over a week ago.

You can read about it here.

If you watch the video, Blair is the pall bearer at the front left, with the glasses on.

Sophia was very special to our family, her grandparents are two of our closest friends and she called us Aunty and Uncle. She was a dear friend to our kids and they shared a special bond. I spoke at the funeral and read this poem that I wrote quickly the night before:

Soar now beautiful girl
On to your next journey
Plenty of adventure before you
Heartbreak and sorrow left behind
Indigo child set free to find
A fresh place to cast your spell

Perfectly you were presented
Euphorically received
Nan and pop amazed by your fire
Dragon all the way
Ropes would never bind you
And no limits would you accept
Gutsy and determined
One mission at a time
New mates around every corner

Would this social butterfly find
Accepting of all our flaws
Loving unconditionally each one of us
Laughing infectiously , spontaneous
Affectionate with those twinkling eyes
Can’t imagine life with no Boo in it
Even as I tearfully say my goodbye...

so I plead with you to make the most of the time you have with each and every one of your special friends and family, you just never know when their time is up..

Whom I Be Rolling With #3

2011-03-30T18:31:00.000+13:00

All the old time readers of my intelligent and witty musings will perhaps recall when I did a little thing on the odd occasion called "Whom I Be Rolling With".

This was what the overall gist of it was:

Now you all know what I blog about, from the comments you can see who is reading and commenting. So I thought, to let you into what I enjoy, I will give you an insight into what I enjoy reading.

There will be four categories:

Mod Cons: Blogs that I am just starting to enjoy.

Faithfuls: My favourites, the girls or boys that are my comfort, my ears, my daily reads, laughs and from whom I take the most life lessons from.

Antiques: Those that have gone, maybe to come back, maybe not, some missing in action.

and

The Secret Drawer: The password blogs. Those that I have the privilege of being invited to read.

Now I have titled them all based on household items, I don't know why, I just have.

The Mod Cons are the new gadgets, the little things that you're glad you have discovered to make life easier or better.

The Faithfuls are the comfort blankets, the old cushions, the favourite chair, the best place in the house, life would be hard without them.

The Antiques are the old treasures in your house. They timeless, valuable yet you don't use them anymore...

and the Secret Drawer, well that's where you hide the vibrator!!! The good things that for whatever reason aren't left on the kitchen table.
So those were the rules

So here we go again:

My current Mod Con is Irish Daughter. This woman is a salt of the earth lass with much to offer our blogging world, she has only recently started and has not blogged for a bit but she is so dear to me that I have to have her as my mod con. She is doing it hard raising three young ones on her own. Go give her some support. Tell her I sent you.

My Faithfuls, so many of you. Who has touched me this month of March? I would have to say Memphis Steve, for kindly sharing the link to my post about my fallen pal. Steve is outspoken, (pot - kettle - black) but has a heart that is open to one and all. He sure knows how to get a contentious issue going and for that I love reading him. He has a soft spot for the beautiful Aussie girls and is not one to back away from any issue. Go have a read, tell him the Kiwi girl sent you.

The Antique, and god do I miss her, is Steph at Much Ado About Sumthin. She went missing a while ago, came back, went away again, and lately her blog appears private so I don't know where my antique has gone, maybe one day she'll turn up on Antique's Roadshow??

And hiding in the Secret Drawer is ..... Wanna B Slim, one crazy Tazzie girl who loves to ride her bike and drink scotch. She hasn't posted for a while but she better start again or I'll have to come and kick her arse. She is a battler and a great mum and is so great to have as a blog friend and she sends the best homemade Christmas Cards ever.

Anonymous My Arse

2011-03-30T16:54:00.003+13:00

Firstly, new post at Destination Goddess for those that care..

Last year I lived nearer my parents.

Surrounding us is a leased farm that is run by my new neighbour's friend.

Today we had a yarn, nice bloke, although the quickly bought to my attention that he knew that I had complained about him dumping truckloads of pig effluent on his paddocks a couple of times last year.

He was right, I had, the stuff was disgusting and he was dumping it 22 times a day for a while there....

The thing that bloody gets me is that I was repeatedly told that the complaint was anonymous, so were my neighbours. And yet Ecan decided to give him a copy of all the people that had phoned and complained about him, how many times and when. Fuckers.

He was pretty good about it considering he had to pay a $1,100 fine to attend a meeting about it....

Still

First Week

2011-03-27T10:36:00.004+13:00

The first week weigh in result is over at Destination Goddess.

Celebrating Difference

2011-03-25T10:32:00.001+13:00

I have just read a beautiful post over at Jimmy's place, this man always has the most amazing power with words.

In his post he mentions a wee girl with a lazy eye. Now, when we are kids, and more likely than not into adulthood, we always have something that we don't like about ourselves. Something we feel hinders us in the popularity stakes. I remember a ginger haired lass at my primary school that had cheeks that were just so white and round that I used to have daydreams about stabbing them, I don't know why. Admittedly, she pissed me off no end, she was one of those "I'm so much better than you" types.

There were kids at school who had all sorts of inflictions and mine was a lazy eyelid. I still have it. At four it was quite obvious:

My left eyelid just doesn't like to rise up to the occassion. It was pointed out in front of me a hundred times as a child, maybe that is where the insecurity about it stemmed from. I also had a great lisp, which a year of speech therapy corrected, apart from when the wines or vodkas or rums have been flowing. Funnily enough the eyelid gets lazier when those thirst quenchers have been flowing too. I imagine I'm quite the hottie after a session - one eyelid nearly shut and lisssssssssping my arssssssssssseeeeeeee off.

The whole point of this inane rambling is that we all have something that makes us feel a bit different, a bit left out, a bit strange... My immediate family all have something. Blair has psoriasis, he hates it with a passion, it stops him wanting to wear shorts in public in summer, it is a terrible thing for him. Peta (12) has glasses, a ski jump nose and her right eye is twice as blind as her left so as soon as she takes her glasses off it turns inwards (eg in the swimming pool at school). Ben (10) has a port wine style birthmark that runs up his right leg from his little toe all the way to his bum cheek. Phoebe (5) has food issues and also has an incontinence problem, poor wee thing, and finally, wee Sian (4) - bless her cotton socks - has big ears, they stick out and she will undoubtedly insist on hair covering her ears when she is older.

When I think of most people I know we all have something that is considered abnormal. So what is normal? No one is normal. Not bloody one of us is considered normal yet there is a constant push for everyone to look and act "normal". I say it's time to celebrate our differences and realise these little things are what makes us all unique. New York.

What makes you feel abnormal?

Girls Day Out

2011-03-24T13:53:00.002+13:00

Have posted at Destination Goddess for those who give a poo.

My mother and I had a very rare day out yesterday.

Granted we both had to have those hideous womanly rituals, her a mammogram, me a smear. But in between the embarrassing but essential tests, we had a great day.

We went for coffee, did heaps of wee chores and just bumbled around kid/husband free for the day. It was bliss.

Something I must do more often as we are two different veges from two different continents when it comes to our way of thinking but that doesn't mean we can't have a day where all that is just accepted and we potter around enjoying that fact that we can be with our mother/daughter and there is no ice.

When was the last time you had a day like this with your Mum? What did you do?

A Month On ....

2011-03-22T14:46:00.000+13:00

Firstly, for any of you interested, I have posted over at Destination Goddess.

Today is a month since the horrible earthquake that hit Christchurch. The city is not the same, so much is lost, not least of all - life.

Please go to this video and listen to the voice of an angel, Hayley Westenra, a daughter of Christchurch, singing Amazing Grace (a cappella) at the Memorial Day in Hagley Park to honour those lost in the February 22nd eathquake:

Destination Goddess

2011-03-20T16:34:00.003+13:00

The time has come for a change.

A BIG change.

I really love this little blog and being able to spit all the shite in the world out on it.

I originally started blogging to track my weight loss, as some of you know. Many years later I haven't lost a brass yazoo but I have made a million friends along the way. Recently I decided that in order to lose weight and make it permanent I have to make HUGE changes to my overall life. Not a diet but a lifestyle change.

As this blog is no longer about that sort of thing I have a new outlet for my weight loss shite, the stats, the figures, what I'm making as far as changes in my life, etc.

Destination Goddess is born. So each time I post over there I will link to it here, just to make it easier. If you don't want to go there and read the boring bits of my life that is fine with me. If you do, that's fine too.

Here's the link and I've just done my first post:

Destination Goddess

Clearing the Clutter

2011-03-13T12:21:00.003+13:00

I'm after advice from the organised among you.

I am in the process of decluttering and sorting my home office.

I currently have shite everywhere, I can't find my marriage certificate and if a disaster happened (and this seems to be a common occurence lately) I would struggle to find all the important documents.

I have been an office and administration manager and am great at setting up new systems in a work situation but seem to struggle at home, maybe because I go a bit over the top and then never end up following it through. I need advice from those of you who know how to keep it simple.

So what I want to know is:

How do you organise your home office?

Where do you keep your important documents and do you have more than one copy?

How do you file your bills etc?

Ch Ch Ch Changes...

2011-03-11T11:20:00.003+13:00

I am making a few.

I am.

Sam I am.

But I will not make them in a boat, with a goat, or in a box with a fox.

Christchurch Earthquake Video Montage to "My City of Ruins"

2011-03-01T14:04:00.000+13:00

Not the Post I Expected to Make...

2011-02-23T12:49:00.002+13:00

I had a post all in my head, I am about to embark on something fresh and new...
but that will have to wait.

Yesterday afternoon at 12.51pm a devastating earthquake hit Christchurch and outlying areas. I grabbed Sian, the only of the midgets that was at home, and cowered under a doorway, it was hard to run, the ground was very very violent.

Within minutes I realised that this had been worse than the September 4th, 2010 earthquake.... the national TV stations were showing scary images that reminded me of 9/11 with people running, smoke, dust, confusion, terror and all this happening out in front of me - in the distance....

I tracked down family and most friends, all seemed fine.

Then my sister phoned. Her best friend, and friend of mine, had lost her husband... but let's go back a couple of years...

Chris (Mrs) married Chris (Mr) five years ago in November. They were very happy, 2 black labs, good jobs, nice house in the burbs. They struggled to have a baby and finally got accepted onto the IVF programme, after multiple tries and disappointments they had a bouncy wee baby boy. Just after he was born Chris (Mr) was transfered, with his painting job, to Auckland from Christchurch. Away the family embarked on a new adventure.

Things were slow to settle in Auckland, hard enough being in a new place with no family or friends, especially with a wee baby, but Chris (Mr) was struggling to cope with the new warmer climate, he was always tired and felt like he might be coming down with something.. this went on for months, nothing was ever found at the Drs, he was just struggling. Enough was enough, he put his foot down and refused to leave the Drs one day until this was sorted.... by the end of the day he had been admitted to hospital, only to leave for small periods of time over the next couple of years. He had an aggressive form of leukaemia, then they found tumours, then they found bone cancer.... the poor buggar was in a state. Chris (Mrs) was struggling too, no support, constant hospital visits where she wasn't allowed to take her baby in because of the high risk to Chris (Mr). In a time of stable blood cell count the family relocated back to Christchurch, where Chris (Mr) took up near permanent residence in Christchurch Hospital's Oncology unit. Every time things looked a bit better he would be out for a day or two and then things would go bad, he'd be back in. In October 2010 he received a bone marrow transplant, which at first didn't take, but finally started to do it's thing and make him healthier....

January 18th, 2011 - four weeks ago, Chris (Mrs) was ecstatic, her facebook page said it all. Chris (Mr) was being release from hospital, not just for the day but for good. They couldn't be happier, they had a new home in Brighton, health was returning to their family.

Yesterday morning they left their wee son with Chris'(Mrs) parents and headed into the city, did some jobs and had a lovely lunch in Cashel Mall, near the Bridge of Rememberance....

at 12.51pm the 6.3 magnitude earthquake abruptly hit Christchurch and ripped their lives apart - permanently.

They were just walking out of the cafe as it happened, Chris (Mrs) pushed her husband hard out of the way of falling debri, he still didn't have the strength to move at any pace. He was knocked to the ground by part of a falling building and she threw herself over top of him to protect him from anything else coming down. When the dust cleared she noticed that he was bleeding out from his leg, she ripped off her top and tried to tourniquet his thigh, it wouldn't work, he fell unconcious. A couple of people tried CPR but he didn't recover and a policeman told them they had to leave. Chris (Mrs) punched the policeman in despair, how could he think she could leave her still warm husband there?? She had no choice, a shop assistant covered his body with a curtain, Chris (Mrs) took his wallet from his pants, she couldn't bear to think of people going through it, and she wrote his name and details on the curtain ---- and left her soulmate.

She wandered through town alone, there was no support around, a mother and father ran past her with their obviously dead daughter in their arms, screaming for help. There was none. Everyone else was trying to survive.

Chris (Mrs) walked barefoot and topless until some random stranger gave her a top, hitchhiked and walked to her home, phones were down, no one could come to help her as noone knew what had happened. When she got home her house was totalled, her car in a hole in the ground, she turned around and hitchhiked and got a taxi to her parents place in Burnside, still covered in dust, sewarage, blood and smoke. There she found her 2 year old son fitting with an extreme temperature. He has been to doctor and it's a virus.

Our friend has lost everything, her husband, her house, her car (and his - it's in a carparking building in central city).

This is just one story to come out of yesterday's quake, it's an extremely tragic one. I have another friend who's good friend is in the CTV building which is currently a pile of burning rubble....
Hug your loved ones. Money, possessions, arguments, it's all crap - it means nothing.

Our house is fine, our possessions fine, kids fine - we are the lucky ones

Reflections of ...

2011-02-17T09:25:00.002+13:00

the way life used to be...

I have just spent the last hour reading over old posts back in October 2009. LOL.

Why?? Why, again I hear you ask??

I was trying to find out when I had given up on my Naturopathy.

Because lately I miss it, I miss the study, I miss the great things I learnt and I think, most of all, I miss the fact that I was on my way to a qualification.

I have spent so much of the last year pondering what I should and shouldn't be studying, working as, learning etc. I love the horses, but reality is that horses cost money so in order for one to enjoy their time with their horses one needs to be realistic and have an income to support their hobby.

I have looked at going back into office work but it frankly doesn't appeal. I have four kids, as you all know, and being there after school and on the odd school trip etc is important to me. So I need a flexible source of potential income.

I have the desire to help people in need. I have a great love of the natural and the human body and it's function.

The naturopathy fits.

I have contacted the college to see if they'll let me back in.

If they won't then the universe has shown me the big two finger salute in that aspect and I will look elsewhere for inspiration - hairdressing? LOL.

If they do, the universe has shown me the way back to a goal that has been with me for years.

I feel in a much better state to be studying, the kids are all a bit older, school is just around the corner, Sian is in preschool three days a week, the meds I am on for the depression are amazing and I have been really solid, even through a rough Christmas. I am ready for what is coming my way.

2011 Goals

2011-01-27T10:15:00.001+13:00

It's going to be a year of peace for me, I need it to be.

I will be returning to more simple ground roots and these are my goals:

Present myself as I want to appear, get back into my hippie styles that I adore.

Live each day in the moment.

Put time and energy into my relationship.

Show my kids I love them by providing ROUTINE.

Get all bills up to date and focus on debt reduction and savings.

Learn to listen with an open mind, not with preset responses already waiting on the tip of my tongue.

Serve my soul by meditation and time with horses, my passion.

Love my husband unconditionally for the man he is and support him in achieving his dreams.

Organise myself and create more time.

And of course:

Lose weight and get fit and healthy.

2010: The Summary

2011-01-02T14:57:00.002+13:00

Firstly, what a fast year!!!

- Had bad fall after around 4 riding sessions a week where I developed abs and my seat back again. Started with a personal trainer.

- Pulled out of my equine course days before the start date due to exorbidant childcare costs.

- Blair's Mum had a heart attack and died three days later, horrific time watching someone slowly die. Family arguments afterwards resulted in Blair not talking to any of his family since April.

- All the kids had whooping cough. Sian ended up in hospital with complications and pneumonia.

- Signed up for a house in Oxford with ten acres and full dressage arena, stables and round pen. Pulled out when we couldn't leave our little community.

- Struggled back and forth with indecision over whether to go back to tertiary professional level study, try for Equine course again, find a job or just chill. Got offered part time unpaid work with local Endurance legend and her team of horses. Have learnt so much in three months. Horses make my soul sing.

- Found a house, signed up for 2 years and now feel more settled location-wise than ever. Still up in the air over the study/career path thingy.

- It's been a tough end to the year, I have more animals than I can throw a stick at and there has been plenty of marital unrest.

2011 BRING IT ON

I've Been Dumped

2010-12-28T14:53:00.002+13:00

Holy shite, 2 posts in one day!!

I have just been trawling the internet catching up on some buddies in blogland.

I say some because of a couple of reasons:

a) Bloglines has gone and changed itself and I it wouldn't "migrate" most of my blogs I follow

b) Nearly 50% of the blogs I follow on my blogger google connect thingy have disappeared or I have been bumped off the "invited to read" list.

So, if any of you are out there and I haven't popped by your blog today, it is because of one of those reasons.

Please leave me a comment so I can get to your blogs and if you got rid of me because I never commented for the year I was banished to dial up internet land, then bloody well invite me back thanks:

jandbnathan@xtra.co.nz

Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine .....

2010-12-28T12:40:00.002+13:00

Well, let's say no mistletoe and heaps of wine.

I have been averaging 4 bottles a week in the lead up to Christmas.

Brilliant!!

Loving it.

Had a great but extremely hard work out this morning with my little pommy personal trainer from hell.

Sweated like a pig.

We have settled in to life on the "farm" quite well. Now have two horses, two kune kune piglets, 2 roosters, 1 goldfish, one cat and two dogs. Mad.

Am looking at Nuskin/Pharmanex as a possible work from home option, anyone know much about it?

New House New Beginnings

2010-11-11T15:50:00.002+13:00

It's happened - finally!!

I have a new place to live.

It's huge and it's less than ten years old, on ten acres of which we can use every little bit.

Loving it, views right out to Christchurch City and the Port Hills in the distance, magical views at night.

Views of the mountains which are nice and close.

Only 800m from the kids' school.

Have eight bedrooms plus a full sized office, four bathrooms and four car garage and all for only $350 a week.

Have set up a playroom for the girls and a gym/excercise room.

Start a new job (unpaid) on Monday morning for a couple of mornings a week with one of NZ's top endurance riders and breeders. She offered me to come learn with her and I am jumping at the chance. All is good.

Have had sad news this week, a friend's ex husband committed suicide on Monday. He left behind a near 4 year old and a bitter divorce battle. RIP CB!!

Jxx

A Decade of Disease

2010-09-07T14:30:00.003+12:00

I have been diseased for a decade.

On 4th of November 2000 I weighed 91.5 kg.

From then on I only got heavier.

Today is the 7th of September 2010 and I weigh around 106 kg.

I refuse to enter my next decade of life obese.

So I declare that by 4th November 2010 I will be under 91.5kg again and start my next ten years of life in a healthier state.

That is all.

On the Fence

2010-08-30T13:49:00.003+12:00

It's a very hard place to be - sitting on the fence. As a friend pointed out, it's uncomfortable and all you end up with is chaffed thighs.

I am actually sitting on a junction of fences, you know, where four paddocks' fences meet? I'm straddling the part that is in the corner of each paddock. I could fall four different ways. Each paddock has it's own merits. There is something attractive in each one. If I fall into one, will I want to stay there? Will I find the grass greener in the other paddocks? Will I end up back straddling the junction? Will someone surround that paddock with electric fencing and will I be stuck there? Will the grazing in one paddock suit me but maybe not suit my family so much? Would they be better off if I was in the other paddock with the red clover? Am I aiming for a paddock that's pasture is really too rich for my calibre?

OMG the analogies!!!!

Paddock One has me going to work, either part or full time. Sian is 4 soon. Thinking about doing some office work and maybe part time studying over the next couple of years in officey type stuff. Is there enough opportunity in my district, would I have to travel to Chch? Could be more financially viable option.

Paddock Two has me going back to Uni. Studying for a professional qualification and having a career. My leaning is towards Psychology. And not just the basic degree but going the whole clinical route, and maybe even Educational Psych or Forensic. I am so interested in it. Would have to travel the 40 mins to classes at Uni in Chch.

Paddock Three has me going for my original love - equine, following on from this year's withdrawal, doing the Equine course and then finding a job here in the immediate area. Study is close, easy and full of fitness. Jobs pretty easy to come by and my love for it would never see me bored.

Paddock Four is the chill paddock. I forget it all for the next couple of years. Be an at home Mum and maybe study some interest papers, nothing full on, just potter. Get back into my art, sew some shit, and concentrate on home baking and being a good Mum. But, can I be a good Mum if I am not stimulated in some way, shape or form??

Maybe I am just not worth grazing, maybe I should be euthanized and sent to the meat works. LOL.

Any ideas?

Twice in a Month

2010-08-24T21:51:00.002+12:00

Drastic I know.

Meds have kicked in, I feel real again.

Do you know what I really struggle with?

I struggle with letting people around me trivialising my depression. I let them say things like "be positive", "pick yourself up", "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", "onwards and upwards" and other stupid shite.

So many people know about depression but so few of you really know what it is.

So, in your words, what is depression? I don't want to run anyone down, I just want to get a feel for what people's perceptions of my illness are.

Holy Shit ...

2010-08-18T13:47:00.002+12:00

it's August and it's still a rough month.

It's been a bad year so far.

I am in throes of a major depressive attack.

On new meds.

Suicidal.

Getting there.

Need to make a decision, find a track to plod and just do it.

**sigh**

Rough Month

2010-04-25T14:56:00.004+12:00

I had typed all this out but lost connection due to blowing winds and electric fences shorting so to summarise:

Blair's Mum passed away aged 62 3 weeks ago.

Post funeral family feuds.

Have 12 weeks to find new house to live in.

Have too many pets and kids to find a house.

Over it.

The Path Twists Again

2010-03-09T10:25:00.002+13:00

Just when you think you are on the right road, the destination in sight, again with the bloody roadworks, the detour, the path twists again.

The last week has been a reality check for me. I had started to live the dream rather than take the steps towards achieving the dream. Someone wise once said it's not about the destination, it's the journey. Or something along those lines.

I have withdrawn from my equine course. The childcare costs were going to be along the lines of $300 a week. The end dream is my own stud farm so it makes more sense to be saving that money towards the dangling carrot of land rather than swanning around at a course where, to be fair, I would have a shit load of fun riding etc but a lot of the content was pretty damn basic. Could pick it up volunteering at a local stud even ........

Where does this leave me?

Firstly, huge falling out with Dad, inevitable, so currently looking for another rental to tide us over until we get together the required deposit, which incidentally is nearly 50% of the purchase price of land. Yup, you need $100,000 deposit to buy a $200,000 10 acre block these days. For fucks sake!!!!!

Options are being tossed around so we won't give up hope.

House and land packages are an option but seems like a pain in the anus to have to pay some other wanker to build us a house when Blair is a qualified builder......

What the hell have you all been up to??

Ahoy there

2010-02-17T15:11:00.002+13:00

I am alive.

I really am.

Life is pretty great.

I am riding heaps, had a bad fall in mid January and ended up in hospital on IV antibiotics due to a septic wound on my left arm. Still having troubles with that arm but a muscular thing in the deltoids so should sort soon.

My course starts in 3 weeks. Crazy.

Everyone else on the course ranges in age from 18 - 21. Bwwwaaahhhhaaaahhhhaaaa. I am really going to have to struggle to maintain my believe that I am entitled to be there. And I am really going to have to try really hard not to become the mother hen.

I have put a deposit on a beautiful Arabian mare, she's chestnut and I'm hoping to train her up for endurance and then breed from her. The dream is coming true.

I am seeing a personal trainer twice a week. She used to be the coach/selector for the England Under 16 hockey team. She is tough but fair and she lives across the road so is great motivation.

I am developing muscles that I never knew existed. Especially those side abs. No wonder most of the horsey girls have such great legs and figures.

Kids are great, Phoebe starts school in 8 weeks, my how time has flown.

We are loving and hating the new house at the same time. Lovely to be in brand new home, sunset is to die for, peace and tranquility but I am constantly having to remind Dad to do things for the house, he's so busy that I don't blame him for not having it as a priority but Blair isn't so understanding. Ben has no light, we have no bars in the wardrobes to hang clothes no, no curtains except in bedrooms, fire still not installed, ensuite toilet doesn't work, spa bath not hooked up, the list goes on .......

So Blair wants to move on. I understand this too. It's bloody hard being the one in the middle.

If we move again I would have lived in 37 houses since birth. LOL.

Right, must fly, have to do housework and I really must wipe Sian's bum too.

And The Teenies Begin ...

2010-01-09T12:08:00.002+13:00

Firstly, I'd like to say that the Teenies sounds as bloody stupid as the Noughties.

My absence has been noted by many and that is a nice thing. When I finally got the blooming internet on here we were informed that we are too far out for broadband and we are currently having to deal with dial up internet. Seriously, in 2010 we are having to operate on a system that's current speed is maxing out at 31.2 kbps. Seriously. You may now understand my lack of updates because it's a bloody time sapper to even get a post loaded. It has curbed my internet addiction and paved the way for my life to be a bit more active and involved.

I have had some fucken ups and downs, when don't I?
When don't we all? I am learning that life is just that. If it runs too smoothly then you aren't really living, right?

I start my course in about 8 weeks and have a busy schedule of increased time in the saddle leading up to the 8th of March. The body is taking a pummeling. Fell off just before Christmas, which was a good confidence booster, silly as that may sound, it made me realise I can still fall off and get up again.

My dear husband has been away working in Auckland since 26th Dec and is not back until the 18th Jan. Solo parenting four kids is hard. I won't lie. Usually I take it in my stride but when it's day after day with no break, you start to appreciate what input the other half contributes to family life.

Phoebe has sailed through Glandular Fever relatively unscathed. Sian has proven she has an allergy to grass with quite severe reactions when she walked out into the large paddock just before the hay was cut.

Peta, Ben and I went to a great wedding last Sunday up country. Was nice and relaxed and fun was had by all, although a wedding is definitely time to notice the absence of your husband.

I will be around. Not as often with the current state of internet, seeing as it takes about 5 minutes for one of your blog pages to load onto my fucken screen, I will read when I can.

Shit Hole Day

2009-12-02T13:41:00.002+13:00

I am officially at the end of my fucken tether.

I have had it up to my fucken eyeballs with everyone else's shit.

I really feel like lying down on the floor and crying until I die.

I am in the middle of packing the whole house myself, and cleaning it myself. I find out that Mum and Dad have not gotten around to some things with the new house.

eg
No curtains
No fire installed
No shelves in pantry
No Letter fucken box
No phone line into the property

I know my father and know he is a procrastinator and I also know that he is extremely busy at the moment, working 7 days a week as a consulting engineer. But for fuck's sake, if you are going to ask us to move into your property at least do the flipping basics, so that my husband isn't going to go off his fucken tree at me about the lack of them!!!

And I just keep getting the whole "you are getting a brand new house to rent for a hundred less than you'd get it on the market". Yes, I know but I also have to put up with my parents as landlord's and I also have to put up with the "rules" and I also have to put up with all the day to day shit of living in your property so get the fuck over yourself and sort it out.

I have two days left, Blair is away until Friday night with work, Phoebe has glandular fever so the girls can't go to preschool on their allocated days, I have two toddlers in my flipping face and I can't get a fucken thing done.

I have the most intense feeling of depression I've had for a while. And all this comes after the weekend from hell with Blair and I on verge of separating with issues beyond us.

I need alcohol I.V. administered STAT

Phoebe has ...

2009-11-27T13:42:00.000+13:00

Glandular Fever.

Never thought I'd be so damn happy for a result to be glandular fever but considering the other option was leukaemia, I am ecstatic.

Thank you all so much for your concern.

Love to all. Hug your kids, kiss your loved ones, put a smile on your dial.

And still the sickness carrys on ....

2009-11-25T13:48:00.002+13:00

Sian is sick again, virus.

Phoebe, not sure whats eating her.

She has been generally very tired for no reason, bleeding noses, dark rings under her eyes, bruises all over her, pinprick rash on her buttocks which won't go away with steroid cream even, grumpy, lost a bit of weight!! Now she has 5 really prominent lymph nodes in her neck enlarged but they aren't hurting her so at least that's a relief.

Off to the doctor today to see what's going on as I've never seen her with raised lymph nodes before. Hope she doesn't have strep throat or glandular fever!!! Fingers crossed.

2009-11-04T15:23:00.002+13:00

I have had two very sick girls.

Flu of some sort, Dr has put them on antibiotics. Wee cherubs.

I am in the process of tidying out the office/study.

What a bloody mission.

How does one accumulate so much crap??

I am determined to clear it all out, I am over the whole clutter scenario.

Something about the prospect of moving into a new house is making me want to have a bare minimum of stuff to go into it.

So I am cleansing. Can only be a good thing.

I haven't been reading your blogs, I am sorry but I have had too much on. I will be back there soon. Promise.xx

This Indecision's Bugging Me.....

2009-10-29T12:10:00.004+13:00

well, to be honest, it's not really anymore but thought that would be a great heading.

We are moving - again.

We have had an offer we just couldn't turn down. Mum and Dad have a beautiful brand new four bedroom home on a bare 10 acre block on the same road as them. It has been on the market for nearly a year now and isn't budging. They have been advised to drop $150K to sell it. Dad refuses to lose that much money but now the Insurance company won't insure it anymore as it has sat vacant for nearly a year. Enter us.

We move into this in four or five weeks:

It was a hard decision though, bus isn't as close, much more exposed than this place but:

spa bath in ensuite, double glazing, warm, 3 car garage, 3 bay shed, underfloor heating, paddocks, can have our OWN, chickens, pig, cow, cple sheep, HORSES!!!!! Rent the same. Won't go up while we live there for next couple of years, Mum and Dad at end of 500m driveway, across the road (great for kids before and after school when i start my equine course). Just too many pluses. Although Blair is a bit worried about the parental control issue and I am a wee bit too but we've lived in one of their rentals before and it was fine. So here's to another new step.

I'm decluttering as we speak, nothing like a new home to make you want to get rid of shite.

I have started horse riding lessons again.

Nowhere as easy as I remember it being!!

And for fuck's sake, could barely walk the first week after the first lesson. Third lesson tomorrow.

I am rocking this show.

Life Change

2009-10-13T09:00:00.005+13:00

As you may have noticed, life has been a bit on the downward spiral.

Grab a cuppa and a snack, this is going to be a long one:

Long time followers will know that I suffer from depression. No, I don't get the blues, get "depressed", have a bad week etc. I suffer from a chemical imbalance in my brain where the serotonin doesn't get around it like is should. This makes me "suffer".

By suffer, I mean not cope, not sleep, not want to exist. I have known about my depression for 7 years since I was assessed by the psych emergency team and diagnosed as having clinical depression and social anxiety back in 2002 when I grabbed a knife and threatened to kill myself. Blair phoned the police because the poor guy didn't know what to do.

Upon further treatment, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and a full history with the clinical psychiatrist, it was determined that my depression has pretty much been something that has been with me since my teens. My paternal grandmother was hospitalised when my father was a child with depression. My maternal grandfather was a manic depressive. My mother has depression, not very well managed mind you. My brother has depression. It's in the blood.

As I swing towards the natural side of things I tend to look for natural alternatives first for any ailment I may have. This is one area in life where natural doesn't work for me. I struggle with having to be on medication but I also know that the desire to end my life becomes overwhelming when I am not.

When I was just about to turn 18, I had a miscarriage to an old boyfriend who I thought I was in love with. I didn't know I was pregnant but it was very hard on me mentally. We had split up the week before and it was so much emotional crap for me that it sent me into a spin. One night after a couple of games of touch rugby, a few too many beers and a party at my first ever flat, I walked out into the road and threw myself in front of an oncoming car. Unfortunately for me the car was doing 70km/h instead of the 50km/h it should have been doing. Fortunately for me the car was an old VW beetle, motor in back and low bumper, I got hit on the calves by the bumper, knees bended back, my back went up into the bonnet and my head went through the windscreen. I have a permanent reminder of that night in the big scar on my right shoulder where the windshield wiper indented me as I hurtled up the car. Unfortunately for me the driver was my old English head of department from High School, news spread fast.

I had a wee bit of forced counselling etc at this time but I never admitted, till many years later, that I actually threw myself in front of the car. I insisted I had been crossing the road to walk to the shop for ciggies.

Onward 9 years and I faced the loss of my dear aunt. My rock. My mentor, a lady I idolised and adored since a toddler. She taught me to ride, she was an angel walking, she loved me and I loved her, unconditionally. She was an owner trainer of thoroughbred racehorses and was the one who had encouraged me to specialise in Equine when I was doing my Veterinary Degree. Even when I fell pregnant after a one night stand, she didn't judge me, even though she was a devout Catholic. She supported me, she loved me. She had a fall off one of her horses at the beach and had a nagging back injury for a couple of months afterwards, finally got it sorted and found out that she had bone cancer. She died a painful death. She gave up on life and she let it take her very quickly. I was distraught at her passing.

That was 7 years ago.

Recently I was contacted by an old school friend on Facebook. She is now in her final year of her Veterinary Degree majoring in Equine. She lives on a 1,500 acre sheep and beef farm. She's living what was going to be my life. I wasn't jealous. I have no regrets, I am a firm believer that you every road you travel is in your own "itinerary". You live the life you are meant to, sure you have crossroads along the way that can affect the direction your travel takes you, but you make that choice so that is your destiny. That hasn't stopped this contact affecting me. Deeply. It has made me question what I can be in life. It has made me reevaluate my direction.

Two weeks ago I had a breakdown of sorts. Some of it was externally influenced but, mostly, it has been because the medication I have been on for the past two years has not been sufficient to get my serotonin levels to where they need to be. I am on 20mg of Citalopram a day and have now had that doubled to 40mg. I get reassessed in 2 weeks. I ignored the signs that this was happening, again. ** please, if you see the signs of depression in anyone or yourself, seek help before it takes over, please **

So I have hit rock bottom for the fourth time in my life and it has made me choose the road that I have longed to travel but never felt justified in taking.

I have given up my Naturopathy.

I start riding lessons on Saturday.

I have a riding assessment on Nov 16th.....

for admission to the National Certificate in Stable Practise.

My course starts in March. I am going to do three strands in Sport Horse, Thoroughbred Racing and Track Riding.

My youngest are starting preschool in two weeks for three days a week.

When I finish this course in December next year I plan to study (extramurally) the Bachelor of AgriScience majoring in Equine through Massey University, while working part time at a local stud or racing stables, giving me the knowledge to be the stud manager when I complete my study. I WILL own and train my own racehorse by 40 and I will own a stud/breeding farm.

I am on the first couple of kms of the road I long to travel. Destination unknown but I sure am going to enjoy the journey.

Rethinking....

2009-10-08T15:30:00.002+13:00

I have rethought the situation, after you all devoted your time to commenting and loving me so much.

I have decided to cull a lot of you from Facebook, it's not personal, I'm just trying to keep some parts of my life separate. There are those of you that I click with hugely, you are long lost soul sisters or brothers, you are still there as I can see that as soon as we are in the same location we will click. Others, not so much, no offence meant at all but it's about me so grin and bear it.

I am going to keep this public but I have a lot to say soon.

I am struggling, very much, with depression - again.

I really am in the pits at the moment.

So bear with me.

Privatisation

2009-10-05T19:12:00.002+13:00

I'm making my outspoken rantings private.

I will invite some of you without you needing to ask.

Anyone is welcome to request an invite, I will be keeping numbers very low though, so please don't be offended if I don't ask you, my life is currently in need of being a little less on display. I am also doing this with Facebook, cutting it right back so please don't be offended if you find you are no longer a buddy there, my life is just needing to be simplified.

To all those that have lurked and followed, thank you and keep well.

Jxx

What About Me?

2009-09-29T13:39:00.002+13:00

It isn't fair ..... *think Shannon Noll*

I'm in a bit of a funk.

I have not one reason to feel funky like this.

But I do.

And it sucks.

Life would be so much easier if we didn't have these human minds.

I think I'd prefer to be a lioness, who has a much higher risk of death and starvation, but doesn't have to fuck around with thought processes and over analytical shite going on in her head. She is born, grows up with the guidance of the pride. She then hardens up and deals with life. She mates, has cubs, and does what her mother did, what her mother's mother did, what her mother's mother's mother did and so on....

She doesn't ponder if she's sailing her soul's ship in the right direction.

She doesn't worry about her self image.

She doesn't fear social interaction.

She doesn't procrastinate or she dies.

She doesn't decide to go off and try a new career as an elephant.

She doesn't choose to put herself first, or last.

She just lives her predetermined path in life and that is the way nature intended it.

I need to find my inner feline.

If You Read One Post Today .....

2009-09-22T09:47:00.002+12:00

This is the one to read:

Clarity and Certainty

It is written by Craig Harper and is just fantastic, so very timely for me.

Let me know if it was timely for you.

Confessions of a Bad Mother

2009-09-18T10:34:00.002+12:00

Tuesday night we had Pizza Hutt for dinner (sodium laden shite that it is).

Phoebe (child no 3) is gluten free due to being labelled gluten sensitive 2 and a half years ago.

She refuses to eat anything with gluten in it. Which is good.

I couldn't be arsed driving the 35 minutes into Christchurch to get a gluten free Pizza for her from Hell Pizza, soooooo ....

I got her a little Pizza Hutt pizza and told her it was gluten free.

I know, I am a terrible mother.

For Spiky

2009-09-14T16:19:00.003+12:00

Last, but not least, as a conclusion to the Voyeur subject, darling Spiky wanted to know my dreams ........ I take it she doesn't mean those smutty but gorgeous ones that I have where I'm ...............

So here goes Toni, my inner dreams, past and present:

When I was young I always knew I would have kids in my twenties, I was never clucky, never into babies, I just knew.

I was a whizz at school, I was popular but never the most popular. I always love horses, like LOVED horses.

In my early teens I dreamt of being a journalist, I was fucken great at writing, was top of my classes in English and was inquisitive by nature. I delved into it in my fifth form English class, entered an essay in a bid to become a youth journalist for the Wellington's evening post. I succeeded. I wrote a couple of stories but was disillusioned by it all, what I wrote wasn't what was printed, the general gist of it was there but not word for word, that fucked me off, to be honest.

I settled on Veterinary, that was what I would be, doctor to all animals, friend of the little creatures....

A bad boyfriend in my 17th year ended those hopes as I became obsessed with being part of a couple, obsessed with being his girl. I miscarried and he dumped me, all in the same week, actually he dumped me and then I miscarried, not aware I was pregnant. It was harsh for a 17 year old. Especially one who thought she was in love....

I left school, my dreams were non existent, life revolved around drinking, working and the eagerness to please and to be accepted, the social anxiety pushed under by the alcohol, the desperation for that feeling of being needed, random sex filled that gap for me. Things got really bad, I existed week upon week, socially I was a ball of laughs, could drink any of the boys under the table, could party till dawn and do it all again the next day. I lost my job, I was a drunken mess really. I moved back home and my parents rekindled that desire in me to make something of my life, that desire to learn. I applied to Veterinary School, I got accepted into the initial intake. As the previous post mentioned, I became pregnant unexpectedly.

I again threw away any dreams. It is timely that an old school friend has recently contacted me via Facebook and she is living my old dream. She is in her last year of studying to be an Equine Vet, she is also engaged to her man and they live on a 1,500 acre sheep and beef farm, really it couldn't get any closer to my old dream.

This has really rattled me to say the least. It's all fine and dandy to have had dreams, lost dreams, dreams that change, but when someone else who never had your dream on her cards, appears and shows you what could have been, well it makes you question the grander scheme of things a bit.

I could be all wanky and say that my dreams have all come true with the four beautiful children I have, my loving husband and my place in the world ..... but I'd be lying. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up what I have for the world, this is my life, I wouldn't give back a thing, but it doesn't mean that I don't have dreams, old and new.

I am studying to be a Naturopath, I believe in natural and holistic approaches to health play a great part in the success of our world's future. But it is not my "dream" to be a naturopath.

I do dream of living on my own patch of land, hopefully quite a big patch, I do dream of breeding horses, of learning every day about something new, of being passionate and loving and loved. I do dream of being motivated and I dream of being beautiful to myself. I dream of living free from the shackles of depression, I dream of unbridled lust being a large factor in my marriage. I dream of growing old, but not having it easy, earning my place on the porch watching my grandkids. I dream of travelling, of seeing the places I learn about, of experiencing the things I hear about, of feeling the joy of new sights. I dream of being healthy and I dream of being free. Free to be who I want to be without the shackles of constraint, without the worry of what others think.

But most of all, I dream for the dream to make itself clear to me, for my dreams to be clear in my minds eye, for my own mind to be able to settle enough for me to actually realise what my true dreams are.....

I dream of knowing the path to that realisation.

For U

2009-09-09T13:27:00.004+12:00

My dear friend U has asked me to surprise him, I'm using this as an opportunity to get some feedback on a very difficult issue that plagues me and will for a while, it's my skeleton in my closet:

In 1998 I had left Christchurch, aged 22 years and headed to Massey University in Palmerston North to study to become a Veterinarian. I was already a qualified veterinary nurse but knew I could achieve more and was quite desperate to get away from Christchurch and a bad triangular relationship. I looked at studying Naturopathy in Auckland or studying Veterinary Science at Massey. I chose the Veterinary because I didn't think I could comply with the wishes of the Wellpark College in Auckland that asked you to not consume alcohol in your spare time, I was a bit of a drinker at that time.

I headed to summer school at Massey early January to catch up on some Physics, Maths and Chemistry because I'd been out of the studying game for a few years.
I jumped into it feet first and absolutely loved the brain extension I was getting from the study. A couple of weeks into my Veterinary, February 22nd to be exact, I had a brief liaison with a lovely young man after an Orientation Comedy night at the Uni. Headed into town and proceeded to have my wallet stolen. I was alone and in a club in the middle of a small city where I knew no one other than the younger teens that had been living at my hostel during summer school. I had just moved into a flat the week before and was considering my options to getting home when this lovely young guy came up and started yarning away. He knew the bar staff and got them to do a check and one of them ended up finding my wallet in the alley out the back. All the money was gone but the cards were there so I was sussed. I thanked the guy by buying him a drink. We got to talking about life and study and old flames, we'd both been burnt. We decided to share a taxi as he lived in my direction. Funnily, he never got out of the taxi until my place. At that point I knew he had more in mind than sharing a cab. I thought he was really nice, not my type but a pleasant guy, into his rugby etc and I went with the flow rather than say no. I have since found through counselling that this is the classic response of a rape victim, say yes first before you get the option taken from you. He came in, we bonked at least four times over the night. In the morning he left, all I knew was his nickname, as he walked out I asked why people called him this particular nickname, he pulled out his driver's license and showed me his name and said "because my mother was cruel". His first two names were extremely uncool. I didn't even see the last one, I laughed and agreed that the nickname was better. All I knew about him, from out conversations during the night, was that he was from a certain wee town way up north, he was in his final year of a double degree at Massey and he was a year younger than me.

5 weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. This had been my only liaison with anyone (other than a pash up session with Blair a week before I left for Palmerston North, he was still a friend at this stage remember??) for months so I knew who the father was. I just didn't know who the father was!!!

I did a bit of searching, went through the graduation lists, searched through the rugby clubs via a mate, kept my eyes out at Uni, just never found him.

I then moved back to Christchurch.

In my last trimester of pregnancy I searched again, I went through the microfiche records at the public library of all the children born in 1976. My friend helped me and we got to I and gave up.

I had Peta on the 21st November, 1998. She changed my life for the better. I was independent, living on my own, doing my thing and being a great Mum.

Then when Peta was 5 months old Blair and I got together and never parted. We were old friends with a history of lust for each other and it just developed into more. He immediately became Peta's Dad and always will be. At four or five years old Peta started realising that she was a bit different in colouring to Dad and her little brother Ben. She started drawing pictures of the family at school and her and I were pink and Ben was light brown and Dad was dark brown. We knew it was time to tell her that she had a different biological father. Being the typical woman, I had a big event planned, get Ben babysat, take Peta for a special picnic and tell her. Blair was more nervous than I, the fear of rejection from her was forefront in his mind. That evening, after we'd first discussed that we needed to tell her, Blair went upstairs to say goodnight and came back down about 20 minutes later and said "It's done". What's done?? "I told her", "you fucken what???". I was gutted, this was something I had planned and had much angst over for years and here he had just waltzed up there and told her without me even being involved. He said good night to her and then asked her if she loved Daddy, she said yes. He then said, you do know you have another Dad, one that made you, Mummy was with him and they made you but he wasn't around anymore so me and Mum got together and I am your Dad now. She just smiled and said "Don't worry Dad, you're my Dad and I love you". He had the response he wanted.

She was brilliant about it, asked a few questions, does every now and then but is, all and all, quite grounded about it all. If we had done it my way it could have gone wrong with all the hype that I would have had going on. Blair did it in a subtle, without drama, sort of way and it worked brilliantly, bugger that he is.

Back to the guy.

Every now and then I would search his first two names in Old Friends of FindaFriend or one of those things and then go to the high school in the wee town he went to and try and find photos of the rugby team etc. Just to have the details for her. But was never to any avail. Then came the advent of Facebook. Last January a mate was here staying and she queried me about whether I'd ever looked into it any more. I said no, she wondered if I'd looked on Facebook, I admitted I hadn't even thought of it.

That night I, when Blair and everyone else was asleep I searched his first two names.

And there he was, my god, he was so like Peta. I txt my mate immediately, "Holy hell, what have I done??". She went on, searched him too and found out that an ex boyfriend of his was on the guy's friends list. She emailed him and said "hey, see ........... on your friend's list, i think I know him, where is he from, what's he do with himself?" Almost immediately she found out that he was living in Hong Kong and a banker and holy crap!! I knew his last name, I could contact him right there and then if I wanted to.

I told Blair about it that night, he was less than impressed that I'd gone behind his back, he felt threatened, which is fair enough, then he over reacted and said if I didn't contact the guy he would and just went all emotional and crap about it. My parents also reacted the same, "Why bother at this point, what was I hoping to achieve, Peta was quite happy, wait until she's 18 and then has the option of finding out for herself, what if this guy couldn't have kids, what if he wanted nothing to do with her but his parents were friends of a QC, and being a Hong Kong banker he would have all the money at his disposal to contest custody, it would be okay if you could be a fly on the wall watching his life for 3 months and find out what sort of person he was and then make the decision......" and on it went. I ended up letting it die a natural death and didn't mention it again. I have printed out his picture and written his details down, and details of that night, it's all in an envelope in our files marked "for Peta", should anything happen to me.

I feel justified in my decision but I also feel terrible that the guy has a child he doesn't know about. I think I am doing the right thing, I will never know, we can only but make out decisions based on the information we have at hand on any particular day..... I just hope that my skeleton in my closet doesn't come out to haunt me down the track. I definitely think he needs to know and so does Peta, New Zealand is way too small a place, she could hook up with his son at university and never know she's dating her own brother, it so easily could happen. It's a cross I bear.

A Wee Bit More.....

2009-09-08T11:23:00.006+12:00

I took some photos of all the feral children together over the weekend and a horse for Kym, LOL. Be prepared for heaps of photos.

Your Wish is My Command....

2009-09-02T15:39:00.015+12:00

Here we go then:

LaLa, sadly there was not one thing in my bag other than two lip glosses. I am a very minimal person but here goes the proof anyway:

Kym, I don't have a horse, there are a couple across the river that belong to the landlord's daughter, I can take photos of them next time I'm there, your yard photos are grouped amongst the house ones.

Cazzie, I did attempt this but my camera only records 25secs so I flagged it but took shitloads of photos for you to get the idea.

Front lawn looking to house:

house end of the driveway:

Bill the rooster and Salt the hen (there is another one called Pepper)

Some little purple flowers at the base of an apricot tree.

Back of the house and the kids play equipment.

View to the right off the verandah, the property we are on goes all the way across the river up to where the forest starts in far distance:

The shed where I sort the recycling:

Side of house, bay window is in the kitchen:

Double internal access garage, yeah right, LOL:

The two youngest ferals in the back area:

The beautiful patch of fragrant violets by the driveway, near the willow tree:

At the edge of the lawn looking up the driveway towards the road:

Looking left off the verandah

Standing at the sliding door looking out over the front lawn and verandah:

The back door showing how bloody big the tree in the front is:

The end of the road, where it goes to the river:

If you are looking down the driveway this is what you see to the right, these are organic sheep grazing in a certified organic orchard, the front orchard.

This is looking back up the little road to the main road, everything to the left is the property we are on, everything to the right is psychotic Mr Brown's, his trees are the ones handing precariously over the our road, he didn't get them sorted for a week, and had plans for them to stay like this for 3 weeks, he had told the contractor there was no hurry, he's a barstard:

Looking down the driveway to the Ranch house:

Looking left from the front lawn to the lower orchard which is starting to blossom:

Spiky, yours is a post on it's own, coming very soon.

U, your surprise is my skeleton in my closet. I will reveal all in your own dedicated post.

Chris, have to round the kids up in all their feral glory and get a nice family photo, coming very soon.

Ute, good god woman, do you think I'd arse around with a blog if I owned a ute?? You will have to be content with my property shots above and this cream yourself Holden:

Anne, you're covered.

Middle Child, kitchen and wardrobe as requested, your family shots are previously shown.

The fire in the kitchen with my little toaster pantry with all my oils, herbs etc and on the top shelf is the medicine and herbs.

And another shot

My big farm kitchen

The wardrobe

It has a window in it, nice!Note the complete lack of clothing, Blair's is the lower rack, mine the higher!!

The monthly wall planner in the kitchen

Kitchen again

Kitchen looking back towards the lounge
Kitchen look out through the sliding doors to the massive laundry and the back door.

Voyeur

2009-08-18T18:26:00.002+12:00

This is my 150th post on Naturally Outspoken.

Before that I was Four Kids and a Fiance *just not appropriate once married*

And before that was the Renovation of Jules.

And before that was a Diary X, Yahoo collaboration.

So I was wanting to know what you want to know about me?

Anything, I will answer with complete honesty.

I will also post photos of things you may like to see, around my home, my land, things that matter to me, whatever takes your fancy.

No, I will not show you photos of my vagina, no I won't show you photos of my breasts.

So fire away, let your voyeurism shine through.

Goddess

2009-08-14T11:42:00.003+12:00

So Blair comes home today after being away all week.

Not that this is a new thing but it's the week that I have spent trying my damnedest to be the best I can be after our "talk".

I have had my hair cut and coloured (small disaster but onwards), eyebrows waxed, lip waxed, eyelashes tinted and I have lost 1.2kg!!

So I should feel pretty great right??

But I am a bit nervous to tell the truth.

I'm a bit worried that he is going to feel bad (actually I already know he does as he keeps phoning me each night telling me how much he adores and loves and misses me). I'm a bit worried that he is going to compliment me .... and I won't believe him.

I will ride above it though, he is a good man and he will know I'm trying.

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were any of it's sexy goddesses.

New Hair, New Day, New Attitude

2009-08-11T13:06:00.002+12:00

I have had a number of those "moments" in life that just make you evaluate where you are at with the world.

A very close friend has been told he has liver cancer. Keeping it all very much to himself and holding the details back. I don't know whether he is doing this to spare the people around him, as a coping mechanism or whether he just doesn't know himself. Hopefully should know more next week. This is a man who has played a pivotal role in my development as a human being. I met him and his life partner (they don't believe in marriage) when I was pregnant with Peta. Alone in a city where I knew noone, I had hooked up with the most unlikely of guys, and I met this couple through him. They strengthened my belief in my own power to be. They supported me unconditionally through thick and thin. Sort of like parents but better as they are never judgemental. They just encourage you to be who you want to be and fuck the rest of them. It's been a hard blow, I'm preparing for the worst but expecting the best.

My husband made a heartfelt and honest plea to me to lose weight. He adores me, I know this, I don't need to be told it, even though he does every day. He loves me to bits but I don't put that fire in his belly anymore. Emotionally yes, but physically I am falling below par. My initial reaction was to cry, standard. But almost immediately I realised he wasn't saying that it was beyond repair. He just needed me to know that the desire he has always had for me is waning and it's due to the weight but he also thinks it may be due to a bit of medical jargon too. I understand his headspace. I mean, if I despise who I have become, how is it possible for him to not pick up on it. I am the same weight I have been since about 7 years ago, I go up and down a bit but I never really move in the right direction for long. I think it was less of an issue for him in the first couple of years as I was still very confident in myself. Now, as the dieting torture continues, I belittle myself constantly, I excuse myself from life's fun times due to my weight, I have every reason in the book to not be able to stick to anything for long.
This no longer just affects my looks, my health or my life, it is now affecting the lust the love of my life has for me. This is now deadly serious.

So I am not reacting in a haphazard manner.

I am seeing this as a wake up call, not a bad thing. I mean, a relationship can only grow stronger from open pathways of communication, honest conversation and I think sometimes we all get a wee bit too comfortable, a wee bit too blase about the relationships we are in. Comfort and familiarity can sometimes lead us to a place we don't want to be.

I know I don't want to be there, especially not without the man I love.

What Sort of Lemon are You??

2009-08-05T13:41:00.003+12:00

The sun was beaming onto the verandah. I love the verandah.

The fantails were dancing around the bushes. My Vitamin D levels were rising as I took in the warmth of the winter sun.

My little 2 and a half year old cherub Sian, angelic in looks, less so in nature, ambled over to me.

"Look Mum, it's a Siany Narny lemon" as she shoves a tiny little cute lemon into my face.

"Lovely darling".

Away she potters.

Then she comes back.

"Look, it's a Mummy lemon" she squeaks innoncently as she shoves a HUGE, half mouldy, pock marked lemon in my face.

"Nice one" I retort, trying to hide the bitterness in my voice.

Again, she totters away.

Again, she makes her way back.

Holding in front of my sunny face, a beautiful, pristine, perfect in size, unblemished lemon.

"And a Daddy one" she smiles.

I fake a smile back.

Fucken Daddy my arse, why's Mummy the deformed stuffed up rotten lemon with size issues???

Why's Daddy so bloody perfect aye??

I want to be the pretty lemon - ***** cries *******

Awkward Question ....

2009-08-03T13:31:00.003+12:00

I want honesty and honesty alone.

No talking it up, no talking it down.

I want and need to know the answer to this question, may even graph the results if enough of you buggers answer me.

HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK (ON AVERAGE) DO YOU AND YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER HAVE SEX?

You hear the radio station polls, you see the Dolly and Cleo polls, but I want truth, from real people, in real relationships with real issues.

Following Up ...

2009-07-29T22:38:00.002+12:00

... on all our vagina talk, I think I took something from all your comments.

I think I really had a think about being happy with what I have, regardless of what it is, instead of comparing it to what I used to look like before I had children.

What my perceptions of beautiful are need to change. Not in a general sense, as I find Tyra Banks, Queen Latifah, Beyonce, Catherine Zeta Jones, Kate Winslet, so many lovely curvey women, they are all beautiful. But I need to embrace the good things about me....... my beauty, I always am envious of confident women.

The ones with style no matter what size or what state they are in, they look great when hungover in pj's. I need to gain that confidence and make it, own it, be it.

Because people, I am BEAUTIFUL, from my head to my vagina and everywhere else in between, above and below.

Hidden Worries

2009-07-27T11:14:00.002+12:00

****** LOOK AWAY IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE DETAILS - JULES STYLE ******

Us women, we have so many self doubts, image issues, inner fears and worries. I'm not sure if men have them anywhere near to the extent that we women do.

Usually it's my face, the chins, my arse that still shows up in the mirror ten minutes after my front half has left the view. Or the tummy, rippled with the telltale signs of four children. Or the breasts that once were a nice pert D cup, barely needed a bra. Now they are an E and would give any tribal woman run for her money in length!!

But, my latest hidden worry is definitely that; HIDDEN.

I have never had a prudish bone in my body, I'm not sure why, doesn't appear to be genetic, as my sister is not so carefree. So, I have viewed the odd adult movie, even enjoyed a few, especially the ladies only versions - for some unknown reason. And Blair - being a male of the builder, timber worker, blue collar variety - is partial to the odd Penthouse magazine. Those women look beautiful, some extremely fake, but beautiful all the same, perfectly in proportion, one toned skin, flawless features ...... and the best looking damn vaginas EVER!! Never a bump, a hair out of place (if they have hair at all), all beautiful flawless skin, right up to the pink bits.

And herein lies my insecurity.

Mine just doesn't look like that. I think it's beautiful in it's own right, but it's definitely got enough imperfections to warrant it's own psychologist.

I have dark pigmentation, especially as you head more into hidden "spots". I have the odd little skin flaps on the skin, lower down nearing the thighs, was told they were hormonal, they only appeared during my first pregnancy. My pubic hair is a wild mess that probably still has uncharted territory.

What I really want to know, and hence the graphic posting, is "Am I Normal?".

I mean, you never see your friend's snatches. You daren't ask, they'd think you were bonkers or trying to hit on them.

So ladies (and I suppose men, as you probably do more viewing than most ladies), does your hidden area resemble penthouse or is it more along my neck of the bush??

It's Hard to Be Grumpy ....

2009-07-23T15:20:00.002+12:00

In the Country.

I am sure that you are all going to fast tire of my love for the country. I don't really give a shit if you do or not. I LOVE IT.

Yes I love it when I'm sick.

Yes I love it when I'm a chick.

Yes I love it ......

Damn it, was going along the lines of Green Eggs and Ham but just don't have the brain cells to pull it off, being sick and all. Sad.

I am into this new TV show called The Politically Incorrect Parenting Show - it's presented (and I take it written) by a clinical psychologist that is quite well known in New Zealand. It is refreshingly open, honest, logically and doesn't pull any punches. It's byline is "a new school look at old school principles". I like it!! And surprisingly, hubby does too. Wonders will, in fact, never cease.

Today I tried the eating principles. Basically the guy talked about how when a human is hungry a human will eat, if a human gets hungry enough. Parents that don't like the fact their kids won't eat vegetables need to stop giving them alternatives. Etc etc etc. I put it to the test this morning. Phoebe is a shocker for deciding she doesn't like foods anymore and Sian is a shocker for eating her breakfast. So, when they inevitably didn't eat their breakfasts I said "That's fine but you will be eating them for morning tea, and if not, then lunch and so on until you have eaten them". Phoebe eyed me up cautiously, her expression read "She's so full of crap, she says this all the time". By 10am Phoebe had clued up to the fact that I, in fact, was not joking, I was FOLLOWING THROUGH. Sian, bless, took a little longer to clue up. Let's just say that she drunk her soggy cereal and milk at 3pm and that was all she had eaten for the day. But still, it worked.

Now I'm going to use the sleep thing tonight and see if the little firecrackers may just stay in their damn beds and allow me to have some marital relations. (That is a bit of a joke as I am sick so that's not likely to happen - but it could in other health circumstances.... really, it could).

A Peaceful Existence

2009-07-10T12:52:00.005+12:00

Of course, I knew you buggers would want my unfailing wit and natural charm to come back and grace your computer screens, just wanted you to say it!!

So, where was I??

I was recovering from psycho home invasion guy's calling, I was my usual outspoken self about where political correctness was heading, and I was bleating on about the my dream home (or yours). I don't know if I ever officially answered that one, it was definitely the high country farm for me.

The prevelant theme amongst all of it was that I wanted away from the house I was living in, for a myriad of reasons, but I wanted out. I wanted my kids in the country, running outside, getting into the dirt and fresh air. Wanted out of that house where that wankstain invaded my space and put me on a permenant edge.

This is now the view off my front verandah:

I kept looking, kept putting it out there what I wanted. And it came.

We are living on a 50 acre redundant apple orchard/farm. There is a river running through it. There are shitloads of trees everywhere, a kune kune pig called Frank, hens, two fucked up roosters, a turkey, organic sheep with wee lambs, goats and ....
the owner's daughter breeds thoroughbred horses on part of the property.

I'm basically living the dream. My house is 4 bedroom, master with ensuite and walk in wardrobe, big double lounge, farm size kitchen, dishwasher, separate study/office which looks out to the hills, kids lounge room, massive laundry, and my favourite thing - the verandah. It's tranquil and I am at peace.

Are You Still Lurking Out There?

2009-07-07T15:22:00.002+12:00

I am finding that I miss this outlet too much......

anyone give a shit if I came back from my hiatus and started rambling my outspoken views again?

Only when and if I feel inclined too, no pressure to perform?

Outspoken No More .........

2009-05-04T12:47:00.001+12:00

Life has just got too darn busy and I can't fit blogging into it anymore.

I have spent the last five years sharing my life with you and you sharing yours with me.

It's been great but now I really need to focus on me. Not writing about me but on getting my head in the right space, on getting healthy, on being loving towards my family and I am afraid blogging just doesn't factor in my busy week.

I have made some damn good friends and I mean that sincerely. I could single many of you out but you know who you are.

When I started this journey way back on Diary-X when I was only a mother of two that worked part time, I think I weighed in at 108.6kg (to be exact).
I'm now a mother of four and I am spend more and more time on the computer. With the advent of Facebook, between the two I am on here way more than is acceptable as a parent.

I am addicted to this voyeuristic online world. So, to curb my addiction, to start getting on top of my life, something has to give.

I will still be around on Facebook, I have limited myself to a couple of half hour sessions a week.

I will miss this outlet, very much. It has become such a big part of my life, that being the issue. I am currently going through a Financial Freedom/Success course and it has shown me that I am really wasting so many hours of constructive time a day on this thing. I don't do the amount of parenting, housekeeping, dogkeeping, loving, living that I need to be doing.

I have come a long way in 5 years and many of you have seen me go through many changes. None of which include my weight, as I currently weigh about the same as I did 5 years ago, maybe a couple kg less. I think living life each day will help me get to where I need to be.

I do feel like I am saying goodbye to a great friend - for the last time.

Please say goodbye, leave me a message, especially you lurkers.

Love to all (I'll leave this up for a couple of weeks and then I will delete it all). So longxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Keeping Our Wall Strong

2009-04-20T10:50:00.005+12:00

My darling husband and I had the best ever weekend.

We went out for dinner on Friday night to a Thai restaurant with a large group of friends, meaning there were quite a few of us, not that we were all big boned.

After dinner we headed to Fat Eddies, a bar based on the New York Jazz scene in SOL Square:

We danced and drunk cocktails and shooters until around 2.30am. My favourite being the Moscow Mules, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Then we headed to our hotel.

Yes, hotel.

As we live about 30km out of the city centre we decided that we would splash out and stay at Hotel So, a funky new, hi tech, hotel with great prices.

If you can be bothered going there, This was what our room was like.

In the morning, after some hotel type shananigans, we went to Java for brekkie.

and best of all??? No hangover!!

Just a great weekend full of hand holding, random kisses, expressions of love and little looks. Sometimes these weekends are few and far between but they are the cement in the slowly constructed, heritage stone wall that is marriage.

How far is too far???

2009-04-14T19:14:00.002+12:00

The new trendy world.

Well, not so new anymore but the way it's been heading for the last couple of decades.

We all laugh at the emails that are sent every couple of months joking about anything from political correctness to "remember when we could climb trees and stay out till dark".

But should we be laughing??

Is it time to say enough?

Because I sure as hell have had enough. You can't fart without filling in an incident form. Our children are suffering. I have a huge desire to get onto a farm, have the kids grow up rurally. Not so much for the fresh country air, that would be a bonus, but it's the lifestyle that we had as kids. The running around in safety. Sorting your own shit out, sorting out arguments with other kids because there was no anxious mother hovering around waiting with a phrase on treating each other nicely, straight out of a "childhood pyschology" book.

We joke about the role of men and women. We joke and we joke and we joke.

But things seem to be tipping the scale. There is no respect anymore. High school kids in Hamilton recently staged a sit in at school protesting that they weren't on the decision committee for the new staff at the school. What the fuck??? No you weren't, because it's none of your bloody business, get back into class, pull your baggy arse pants up, tuck your shirt in, wipe the copious amounts of makeup off your face and sit down and do some fucken school work. And if you don't you will be in detention. And it will do you no harm to learn consequence.

I have a friend who has recently split up with her husband. He is a psycho. He demanded she give him six blow jobs before he would consider trying for a second child. He demanded they have anal sex before he would try for a first. He raged and abused the midwifes at the hospital because she was sent home a day early and he had plans to go out that night and didn't want her at home. So he wouldn't talk to her when she left the hospital, dropped her at their little shack in the country (and I mean shack, they were living in a shed while their house was being built, toileting in a bucket full of sawdust) and went out on the town, leaving her alone in the shed with her newborn. He is an absolute shit. He has threatened to run her over since they split and she has a protection order against him. He keeps harassing the lawyer for their child and has demanded the boy three times a week. The court date keeps getting postponed. Meanwhile he keeps turning up where he shouldn't, one day I had to pick the wee one up as her parents were out of town and she can't see him and he refused to hand him over to me. Police had to come. Now the court is threatening to make the boy a ward of the state if they can't come to a compromise and start communicating. Woman's refuge are outraged. The police have rated him as a serious threat to her life. Why should someone who left a relationship because of abuse have to communicate with a psycho who has threatened her life? Because society is so concerned with giving everyone a fair go that safety of child is overlooked time and time again. This man is supposed to not know where she has moved to but has stalked her and found out, tonight he drove past her house a couple of times, no reason for that, she lives in a dead end street.

What has happened to values, respect, accountability?

What has happened to the basis of our communities?

I am a bit fucken over it.

What are your thoughts??

Don't You Just Hate ....

2009-04-09T23:11:00.003+12:00

..... that aunty that arrives unannounced with the worst timing ever??

You know the one, she calls in about once a month, you usually have her arrival timed quite methodically. For some reason a pimple or two, along with itchy inner ears, alerts me to her impending arrival.

But today it really did fuck me off when she arrived.

You see, my darling husband has been away all of last week, all of this week and it had been a good half week before his first departure that we'd had marital affairs.

I am gagging for a good one on one with my man.

And then, no less than 20 minutes after he arrived home, the bitch arrived, waving her hand at me throught the sliding door.

"Woohoo, it's me, I'm here to stay for a couple of days, who knows when I'll be off, and you know dear, just when you think I'm gone, I'll scare the bejebus out of you by popping back up at the kitchen window, even if all the indicators are that I left the day before".

Fucken bitch.

I'm going to need alcohol (although, for some unexplained reason, I seem to get off face much easier when she's staying).

So my rodgering is out of the question until at least next weekend.

****walks away sobbing****

Whom I Be Rolling With #2

2009-04-08T17:23:00.002+12:00

If you want to recall the categories, check out Whom I Be Rolling With #1

My current Mod Con is Mapstew, a forty-something dude with a style of writing that I really like. He came to my blog via a comment I had left on someone else's blog. That someone else was on the updated feeds thingy-me-bob on the side of my darling pal Spiky's blog and their blog title for that day caught my eye, it was about how too many people put other people in boxes.. Just goes to show that this crazy little world of blog can lead you to like minded souls all over the world. Love it!!

My Faithfuls, as always, there are so many of you but one stands out to me, especially this week. My darling pal over at Biker Tart Gettin Sexy. She's not the most regular poster but she rocks. She is a diamond in the rough and we have been pals for nearly five years now, if not longer. She has a mouth on her like a trucker but that is part of what I love.

The Antique of this post is my quirky brilliant pal Zara at Yo Heave Ho. She has been MIA for nearly 2 years now but I still hold out for her return - as I dearly love her sense of humour. We are kindred souls and she sends me cards out of the blue all the way from the other side of the world. She has a great way of telling a yarn and you can see yourself right there in the thick of it. She really was a great blogger, come back ye olde tart!!

And hiding in my Secret Drawer is the darling Jo at Creating Wellness. We became pals a couple of years back and she has turned out to be one of my closest friends. We can discuss anything from sperm to cervical vertebrae and it is always an enjoyable yarn. She keeps me grounded and focused on my future as a natural health genius and I just give her suggestions for names for her future offspring. We have met in person, I have her art hanging in my bedroom and we are catching up again soon. I can't wait.

Enjoy!

The Greatest Weekend

2009-04-06T21:18:00.011+12:00

Be warned that there are many photos in the post!!

My third spawn turned 4 today.

As her Dad is away today we had an extra special weekend of doing stuff that she wanted to do.

We started early with a trip to McDonalds for breakfast, gluten free Banana Berry Smoothies and hash browns.

Off into the big bad city where we went into the Cathedral and climbed up the tower, 134 or so steps!! It was high, I had a bit of vertigo I'm sure.

When we came down we pottered around the square looking at the little market stalls, when all of a sudden, at 1pm, a heap of people ran together out of nowhere and started having a pillow fight:

Then we went and got Phoebe's ears pierced. Now this was Blair's idea, I didn't get my ears pierced till I was 14 and Peta, our eldest, didn't have hers done till her 9th birthday, but Phoebe wanted them and she was tough as!!

After a day of malls and pottering we came home and then headed out again to see my sister's new house. Swanky with the coolest Caper Green ensuite bathroom.

Sunday we decided to head over to Motukarara and go to the races. It was a great afternoon, free entry, bouncy castles, free merry go round thingy, and free pony rides:

When we got home we had a lovely dinner with "wine" (grape juice).

It topped off an absolute blast of a weekend.

Dream Home

2009-03-30T11:42:00.008+13:00

I have my ideal dream home in my mind's eye.

But what is yours??

Let me know which of the following is your idea of the ultimate place to spend the years:

Beachside Bach:

or Lodge in the Sounds:

or Apartment in CBD:

or a big new House that gets noticed:

or a High Country Farm:

or Villa in the Burbs:

Which is your dream??

If none are shown here, and you can be bothered, find a link to what YOU consider your dream and post it in a comment so I can find it.

And let's see how well you know me - which is my dream??

This will be interesting, come out of the woodwork and let me know. I love this sort of shit!! LOL

So Here's My Ten Cents Worth ......

2009-03-26T11:09:00.003+13:00

Thank you all for your input whichever side of the fence you reside on.

I found this extremely interesting debate, although a large majority of you didn't follow my train of thought with regard to the question. I was not thinking in the terms of how one treats the home they live in, whether they rent or own it. I was thinking in broader terms:

This is what I think:

I am strictly of the believe that it is wrong to pigeon hole people because of any factor of their lives.

I think that every person in every walk of life, in every financial circumstance, of every religious belief, of every race, of every nation, in any country, in any family circumstance .... EVERY PERSON can be responsible regardless of their place in life.

I don't think that every Arab is a suicide bomber.

I don't think that every gay man loves Gucci.

I don't think that every solo mother is irresponsible.

I don't think that every married couple with 2.5 children, a white picket fence, 2 incomes, a mortgage and a Toyota Prado are the model that society should strive to attain.

I think there are plenty of responsible people that choose to live their lives in a million different variable ways, their financial choices do not make them wise nor do they make them better than anybody else in any aspect of their lives.

I don't think that being a homeowner gives you any more entitlement to enjoy a dog as part of your family.

I don't think that as you move up the salary ladder that you are going to be able to be a better parent or pet owner.

I don't believe that financial security makes you a more responsible person - exhibit a: all the big bankers that are sitting pretty and are the cause of the state of the world's economic issues at the moment.

Responsibility is more about being accountable, about taking pride, about making sure that you are doing the best you can with what you have.

There are house bus dwelling hippies with 8 children and a staffy in tow that are a million times more responsible than some homeowners.

I believe that being a good parent is responsible.

I think that choosing to not terminate your baby just because you don't own a home or have a nest egg to support it is responsible.

Not too many centuries ago we all lived in a whole different way than we do now. Was the King of the Land more responsible because he owned the land than the peasant out in the fields toiling on the land to feed the village and his family?
This world is an extremely judgemental place and it was not so many centuries ago that many pagan spiritual women were burned at the stake for what was deemed as witchcraft.

I believe that we all have the capability to be responsible regardless of any of our extrinsic or intrinsic factors in our lives. So go forth, be responsible, have the odd bout of irresponsible behaviour too, it's good for the soul.

You Got Me Wondering .....

2009-03-24T09:40:00.002+13:00

I'm really interested in everyone's opinions.

Be anonymous if you want, it truely does not bother me.

Lurkers, come on out and give your ten cents worth.

A reader has really got me wondering what the general consensus, worldwide, nationwide, citywide is. In a comment on my last post she mentioned that she finds home owners to be more responsible than renters. If you read the comment thread you may have noticed that I took a bit of offense to this comment. Not to the commentor, because she is very like me and has her strong opinions and I like that she is not afraid to share them. But I still found that the comment made me feel a bit flat. Made me wonder and I have to admit that it has been plaguing me for days now. I keep thinking about it and I thought, what the hell, let's put it out there.

Do you personally believe that people that own their own homes are more responsible citizens in all aspects of their lives than those that don't?? Please don't just say yes or no, have some gumption and explain your reasoning.

And I don't mean in a general sense.

You either agree or disagree, their is no "oh maybe, in general, statistically etc". I want YOUR opinion, and I want it backed up. And I really want true honesty.

My "comment" will be the next post. I am staunch in my views and I am also extremely interested in the overall response so get thinking and get typing!!

No Dogs or Smokers

2009-03-20T09:00:00.002+13:00

This seems to be the catch phrase of the rental market at the moment.

What I don't understand is the fact that there is a recession on, people need their money, yet some of the properties I have been looking at for over a month are still sitting empty.

There are at least 5 four bedroom places around this area that are for rent with the one company that appears to have the monopoly. 3 out of the 5 have been available since the middle of February. Yet they still sit vacant. The owners are losing around $350 a week. So over a month that is a good $1400 in lost rent. Now at least 2 of them have had their rents dropped by the agent. By $20 - $30 a week. So over a year the owner is losing another couple of thousand. Yet they still sit empty.

Then there is the good little families like ours, four kids, a cat and an outside dog. And therein lies the problem. Immediately we are rejected because of the dog. Now I have seen this before in my many years of renting but usually you find that there are a couple of houses that will allow them. But no, this agent who has the monopoly on the market seems to have a thing against them.

My point is, my border collie is an outside dog. Over the period that we will reside in a rental she is going to do minimal damage, maybe dig a hole or pee on a piece of lawn in the height of sunlight hours creating a bit of burn. But she sure as fuck isn't going to produce a couple of thousand dollars worth of damage. Meanwhile these owners have their houses sitting empty, losing money week after week, unable to rent them. I'm pretty good with figures and I'm telling you people, the figures don't add up.

Give us a fucken break, most kids will do more harm to a house than the fucken dog.

Back to Basics

2009-03-18T10:03:00.002+13:00

After much stressing, angsting, meltdowns etc, decided to get the black mid thigh top out of the wardrobe, pair it with my white ts14+ pants and some black shoes I'm hoping to get stretched a bit and I'm done.

I'm going to go looking for accessories, a cool bangle, probably a long necklace to elongate me a bit and some earrings. Having my hair cut and styled Sat morning and just need some nice smokey eye makeup and I'm done.

Crisis over. At least I'll be comfortable.

Did I mention I lost another 1.4kg last week??

And with a kg the week before I am now at 105.4kg, until Fri morning that is.

So things are good.

I am nearly a stone light than I was on 2nd January so making those small changes and walking are doing it for me.

Gok Episode 2

2009-03-13T09:51:00.003+13:00

So yesterday afternoon I made an impulse buy on Trademe for $40.

I'm regretting it immensely, especially when Blair saw the photo, he said it looks like an Asian dressing gown. Then I showed him the photo of the other one:

And he loves it!! I must admit, when you see them next to each other there is a distinct difference, one screams stylish and the other just doesn't.

One of my best mate's lives in Wellington, I may just ask her if she has a minute to go in and have a wee squizz at the ts14+ one, and if it's all it looks then I might ask her to buy it and send it to me, I mean surely I could pay over the phone with my credit card?? I may just relist the other one on Trademe, along with quite a few other tops etc that I have sitting in my wardrobe that just ain't me anymore and make a few dollars to offset the cost.

What ya reckon, and forget money, because Blair is earning $508 in extras next week for going away so I am fine for pingas.

Men, Look Away, Unless You're Gok ....

2009-03-12T09:50:00.005+13:00

I have no idea what to wear to Kim's wedding.

It's a church wedding in Governor's Bay:

And then on to a really cool venue, The Cave at Redcliffs:

So fashion freaks, you need to give me some advice, (wish Becks was still reading blogs because she always looks stunning when she attends events). I want to know what you think will suit my figure, (165cm tall, 107kg, 18E boobs, apple shape, lymphatic swollen ankles and feet. What will suit the wedding? I need to feel gorgeous and I'm not very good at this. I have nothing in my closet, no I really don't. So I need advice. And quick. And I want to look young and stylish sort of like Queen Latifah, so help MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

***UPDATE***
I would really love something like this but unfortunately ts14+ haven't opened a store in Christchurch yet, they have one in New Market and one in Wellington, and they are opening them in Dunedin, Hamilton and Milford Sound, what about Christchurch damn you.

Picture from ts14+, I love their layered looks.

Naturally Outspoken

2009-03-11T13:51:00.002+13:00

I am!!

I leave comments on other's blogs that turn into novels!! I don't mean any condescending attitude to come across, I really honestly don't.

I have the beauty of a great deal of knowledge of nutrition, anatomy and physiology, pathophysiology and naturopathy at my fingertips. I am at the end of a great many years studying Naturopathy.

I definitely don't practise what I preach but I try to. My aim is to be there one day soon.

So, I just thought I would start sharing this knowledge with you guys too. You can choose to listen, you are welcome to have your opinions and I mine. At the moment I am sharing it more in comments on your blogs when I feel someone is struggling and may need a wee pep talk or a bit of info that they may just not know, as we can't presume that everybody knows how there body works and that everybody knows the ins and outs of nutrition etc.

I am aware though that I may be coming across as outspoken but, then again, if I am commenting on your blog, chances are you know me, read me and are fully aware that I do say what I think. Not all the time but the majority of the time.

I think this is more an attempt to let you know that I am not intending to sound like a know-it-all, I am not trying to tell you all what to do, I am just sharing my ideas.

So, now that that is cleared up I better go and continue my learning processes and master the bones and structures of the human skull.

Ciao

Reality Check

2009-03-10T15:06:00.005+13:00

I have lost a small amount of weight so far this year.

5.4kg to be exact.

I have stagnated in February not achieving much of anything.

I have started March with daily walking but the nutrition is shite.

Here is a photo of me on Saturday night that highlights just how bad I am, and to think I was 5.4kg heavier than this on 1st January!!

If you compare it to a photo of me on my own hen's night, 19 months previous:

it's rather tragic!!

Time to get the shopping list under control and prepare for healthy meals.

Recovery

2009-03-09T09:41:00.005+13:00

I am so sore. I have sore muscles I never knew existed from letting my inner Beyonce loose on the dance floor for over four hours. Oh god did I sweat my arse off. (if you are my Facebook buddy you can check out the truely hideous photos over there!!)

I sung, I danced, I laughed, I drunk, (I spewed - LMAO) and I had a ball of a time.

Got to Akaroa about 1.00pm. Had a small lunch and a couple of wines. Then we dressed up in our bridesmaid dresses, Kim in her bridal attire and we headed down the one of the local pubs to start the Akaroa Amazing Race. Our first task (we were in two teams) was to play the chocolate game but with some crazy cocktail in the place of the chocolate. So every time somebody in the team rolled a 6 that person had to put on a hat, a ring, a necklace, a garter and a boa and start doing shots of the cocktail shaker. You had to keep doing shots until the next person in your team rolled a 6. It was hilarious, both teams spilled the shakers and we proceeded on to the next task. We had to scooter down the main street to the Rec ground and here we had to compete in three tasks. The first was chipping golf balls into upside down umbrellas, then we had to throw water balloons and catch them without them bursting and see which team could get the furtherest distance between them. The third was the funniest. We had to race in teams to the middle of the field, skull a cup of Ginger Tom (an alcoholic ginger beer made by the Dux) and then put our foreheads on a ski pole sticking out of the ground and twirl around it 20 times. Then you had to run back and tag your next team member to do the same. It was hilarious as you were so dizzy that you thought you were running forward but you would end up running in the totally opposite direction. Just a blast. It was at this point that a car pulled up with a German celebrity who was doing a tour of NZ (sort of like when our Celebs do the Intrepid Journeys) and she had a photographer with her (a fucken bossy one at that) who wanted photos of her with us and then quizzed us to what we were doing. The funny thing is they just didn't understand us and we are sure we will end up in some German Woman's Day with a wee story about us that was completely wrong. She thought it was the wedding!!!

Next we had to scooter down to the waterfront and then went on these:

where we had to paddle out to a buoy and around it and race back. It was so hard!!! It was hilarious.

After this we went back to the holiday house and drunk wine and ate nibbles until about 8pm when we got dressed up and went out for dinner at Vangionis:

I had Akaroa Salmon on fresh herbs for dinner, it was divine!! Then we headed to the Madeira Hotel and danced our arses off. It was rocking. By 1.45am we decided to head back to the house where we sung and danced to the Little River Band and drunk Pina Coladas till about 4am when we just had to go to bed. By 5am I was back up fighting for the toilet where I spewed so hard that it made me pee my pants!! Nice one.

Fucken great weekend.

Taking the Power Back ....

2009-03-06T08:12:00.003+13:00

Sort of.

Have been extremely freaked by last week's incident. Being an analyzer extraordinaire, I have looked at it from all angles and I think I have come up with the conclusion that this man is extremely dangerous, I dealt with him the best I could. The natural me would have usually yelled "get the fuck out of my house", that would have been the worst thing I could have done. The way I dealt with it, I gave him a way out, I didn't make a big deal about it, just acted surprised. I have a mate who's brother is in the CIB as a detective here and I am going to have a quiet chat to him and see what he thinks of this guy's profile.

I desperately want to move. Blair hasn't had to go away this week and is on a course next week, so at least we have a few week's reprieve.

I lost a kg this week. I had stayed the same last week. Yep, with three days of only fruit and veges I managed to not lose a fucken gram!!

The week before that I had stayed the same too.

Ridiculous. So - I am exactly where I was at the end of January.

Went to the big nutrition seminar and it rocked!! Came away with so much enthusiasm, not only for eating right and eating the way nature intended, but - as Damian is a Naturopath - he inspired me a million times over to be that sort of Naturopath. To be the sort of person that is exuberant about my chosen field, walks the walk and still has fun and has the odd night out.

I could go into what Damian talked about for post after post but I suggest you try and get along and see him. He also had Ray Kelly with him, personal trainer from Melbourne that trained both of the Aussie Biggest Loser winners after they left the house up until they won the challenge!! Pretty cool guy, no excuses. Lee-Anne Wan was absent due to being very very sick. So let's send happy thoughts out there for her quick recovery.

I am off to a hen's night with one of my best mate's in Akaroa tomorrow.

We get there at lunch time, it's about and hour and a half away. We then get dressed up in old bridesmaid dresses and are having "The Bridal Amazing Race" where we are doing such things as scootering around the town. Should be a hoot. Then out for dinner and copious amounts of drinking and then back to the holiday bach we have rented for more drinking. Sleeping's Cheating!! The best thing about it ..... it's miles away from this place!!

So, what are you doing this weekend??

Home Invasion

2009-03-01T14:01:00.003+13:00

We have (HAD) some good friends of about four years, Let's call them Bevan and Myrtle for privacy reasons

Yesterday morning Bevan (Myrtle's husband) made a horrible and completely disgusting pass at me, pre meditated and in my home, with Sian asleep in the bedroom!!

He phoned me at about 8.35am and asked if Blair was home, I said no, he’s at work. Then he asked if I would be able to come around and look after their 5 yr old girl Casey as she was sick and he had to go to Woodend for something. I said I couldn’t as I had no car and Sian was asleep still but if he wanted to drop her here then that would be fine with me, she could just chill on the couch till he got back. He said “sweet”.

Then he turned up about 5mins later, walked in the sliding door, shut it behind him and I asked where Casey was. He said at home. I was a bit baffled as to why he would leave her at home and then said “I’ll wake Sian then if you need me to come around to yours and turned to walk away and he walked towards me and touched my breast, pulled into me and said “I thought you would like to try out my big cock”. I was stunned, I stepped a couple of steps back and said “what??, I don’t get it what are you doing?”, it took me a bit to register what was going on. I kept saying “are you serious, are you just tricking me, are you testing me, what’s going on?” He went and sat on the couch and said again that he thought I’d be into it. I kept saying that I wouldn’t be into it at all and what was he doing, I loved my husband and would never cheat on him and what was he thinking, and how could he do this to his Myrtle. By this time I had walked as far away in the room I could get from him and then he got off the couch and cornered me and still kept going on about it and he doesn’t see it as cheating, just a minor lapse in judgement and that I would enjoy it etc. I said I wouldn’t at all, then I told him I’d like him to go. He did.

Then he phoned me about ten minutes later, I didn’t expect it to be him and I was crying, he said all this shit about being sorry and if I ever needed him to sort me out he would and went on about does Blair look after my needs, this would stay between me and him wouldn’t it and I said I had to go and he said, don’t I’m wanking my cock listening to your voice.

I hung up. Then I phoned a friend and asked her to come around immediately.

She did and I went to her place for the day with Sian, phoned Blair and told him and then phoned Myrtle (who was working) and told her exactly what had happened.

She apparently went home and punched him in the head and he said he was sorry, he couldn’t remember most of it and he’d been pissed and he was a coward and going to end up just like his dad. He started crying etc and was going to leave blah, blah. She said don’t you dare walk out on me and the kids, you face up to what you have done etc. Blair is not taking it very well at all, he wanted to phone the police but I said I didn’t want him to because they wouldn’t do anything anyway and Bevan is growing pot around there with an ex white power mate and the last thing I want is the cops to find that and then have him and his mate after me for “narking”. Blair is worried about my safety and wants to go and confront Bevan about coming into his home, when he is supposed to be his friend, and hitting on his wife and being so disgusting and sexually inappropriate. The fact that he used Casey as a trick to get my guard down, she was actually at school all along. The fact that the phone had rung at 5.55am that morning and had hung up when Blair had answered. The fact that at Bevan and Myrtle’s birthday party last Saturday night Bevan had kept asking Blair what nights he was staying away this week with his job. The fact that when he phoned me back he told me he thought I was hot, always had and that he liked big girls. Blair wants to go and say something but also knows too well about Bevan’s violence, martial arts expertise and that fact that he obviously has no respect for anyone. All we have heard over our friendship is how he has attacked this gang member in front of the police station for doing something to him and how he attacked another guy for doing something etc etc. If Blair has a go at him he will just beat Blair to a pulp and that won't do me any good.

Now I am so jumpy and I am scared of being alone or even around Rangiora. Have been out twice alone since yesterday and I was so alert, jumpy, peering around. Last night I slept stuff all with an iron bar in my hand. I am really quite petrified but I don’t want to let on too much to Blair as he has to go away for work next week for a couple of nights and for quite a few weeks running after that and I don’t want him to be too concerned to go.

So I'm a bit on edge and feel like my home isn't a safe place now.

Stuff It

2009-02-26T08:57:00.004+13:00

I got to the end of my third day and I just thought, this is crazy!!

I can't go another five days with no protein, I just can't.

I have high fasting insulin as it is and I started to get quite dizzy and vacant and then I nearly fainted and Blair said "fuck this, eat something".

I have wanted to do this cleanse for ages but in reality, it sort of goes against what I want to achieve in the short term - which is a healthy attitude towards food, my body and my self esteem. This is just counteracting it as I am obsessing about all the "food" around me. So I will leave this cleanse until I am at the point of feeling comfortable in my body and, to be honest, I am on anti hypertensives, diuretics and anti depressants, and should have consulted my doctor before starting this. At least I haven't cracked the herbals yet so Blair might do it when he in a good space.

But, I do feel pretty great and have woken up this morning with the healthy fruit and veges still implanted in my mind and had a beautiful, fresh pineapple, mango and raspberry with organic unsweetened acidophilus yoghurt smoothie. MMMMMMM.

So I think I will continue on with all these fruit and veges but will need lean steak, chicken, fish, eggs and legumes, gluten free bread (when desired) and other essentials to survive (is wine essential, surely it is??).

In other news:

Blair got underpaid by $3 an hour for his first week!!

The clutch master and slave cylinders in our Isuzu decided to stuff out on Tuesday night, in mechanics now getting fixed for the nice little price of $340.

My "work day" is working out just dandy.

My two toddlers are driving me insane.

I haven't caught up on anyone's blogs all week.

I forgot to send Chris H's lavendar, will do in the morning Chris, hopefully you weren't desperate, bad bloggy friend that I am.

I am off to see Damian Kristoff and LeeAnne Wan of Downsize Me fame on Tuesday night. I put myself in the draw for a free ticket and am stoked to be going along to their seminar. Thanks Jo!!

Day 3, yippeee!!!!!

2009-02-25T12:51:00.002+13:00

I feel better today.

Not as hungry.

Thanks for all your comments. I must state that I am a very nearly qualified naturopath and do know exactly what my body needs for survival and I'm giving this cleanse a go because a) I bought it ages ago and don't want to waste the $119 I spent on it and b) I have heard first hand that it has worked and c) if nothing else, it gives me a good start to eating more healthily.

That been said, popped around to a buddy's last night to discuss our ten year old girls and their issues!! She offered me a glass of wine and I said yes and drank half of it before it even clicked that I was on a detox!! What a dick. Then again, the booklet that comes with it says one drink a day is not going to undo what you are doing, so that's okay.

I am lacking a bit in energy today but I think I need some more fruit and I better go eat some right now.

PS, Jim, would love to hear more about your experience with the Cleanse. I'm open to all views and opinions.

PPS Kitty, don't tempt me to eat ham and cheese toasties you cunning little pussy cat. A healthy liver is great at detoxing but an unhealthy one that is "fatty" and shown to be enlarged on an ultrasound can do with a little help. Dandelion root, ginger, fennel, alfalfa, barley grass, etc etc all good things, not bad.

Day Two and I'm Starving

2009-02-24T14:22:00.003+13:00

How does a person survive on these bloody cleanse thingimibobbys??

I am starving my anus off!!

I had a berry, pineapple, rice milk and organic unsweetened "schnizz" yoghurt smoothie this morning. Yummy, then I have had a big bowl of homemade pumpkin soup with a bit of yoghurt and chives on top. Last night dinner consisted of a corn cob and some carrots!!! I am really hungry!!!

Was going to do cleanse over ten days and do an ease in period of 5 days but that just not going to work as I have a great pal's hen's night next Saturday. So I have decided to do the five day version and start off with just three days easing in.

The Ultimate Cleanse booklet suggests that you have 3 - 7 days of cutting out all carbs and potatoes and meat and eggs and dairy etc. So ALL I am eating is fruit and veges with the odd bit of natural yoghurt thrown in. Then on fourth day I start taking 60 herbal tablets a day to start getting my intestines moving.

I am coping but only just. All I want is a ham and cheese toastie, don't care if it's gluten free bread, just want something of substance.

Have nearly finished a Naturopathy unit with my new "work day" routine. House in good order too.

That being said, I must go "back to work".

Ultimate Cleanse

2009-02-23T13:55:00.002+13:00

About two or so years ago a couple of you guys did the Ultimate Cleanse.

I bought a pack and was supposed to do it before my wedding but kept having things on so didn't get around to it.

After indulging in a few Vodka and Raspberry RTD's on Saturday night, and suffering the fatigue that followed, I decided to bloody get my Ultimate Cleanse out and get into it.

I can't go too much into it as I am on my "work day" routine and only have 3 mins left to be on internet!!

Any questions you want to know about it, just ask.

I am great by the way. Living and loving my life.

Complacency

2009-02-20T11:04:00.002+13:00

Lost a kg, last week, put on 800g this week.

This is ridiculous.

I've become complacent, was so impressed with my easy weightloss not dieting that I just reverted to my usual shite.

But with the posting of my Procrastination dilemma I have received a heap of good info, a few boots up the arse and a whole lot of support.

I can do this.

Kitty put me on to a great website of a guy called Craig Harper, he is a motivational speaker and trainer dude and, oh my gosh, he is so great. Cuts to the chase, doesn't accept the excuses but gives a shitload of good advice. Go check him out, you so will not regret it.

I am in the process of making some little plans, no big monumental planning going, just a rough routine for me. I am going to focus on approaching my day at home with the kids as a work day. I will allow myself "breaks" as such and I will only be on the computer in these breaks for personal use. Facebook and blogging are absolutely awesome ways of catching up with people etc but, holy shit, are they time wasters or what?? You only intend to jump on to see what's going on in the FB community that you have formed and, before you know it, you've been on for an hour. So that's it.

My day is going to be focused on my kids, my housework, my study, my dog and exercise.

My breaks can be for catching up time.

That being said, I need to go and do some shit. Hubby home tonight, been away for the week with new job and I need to have a lovely comfy house for him to come home to with a suitably spruced up wife to greet him. I have indulged in being a bit slovenly over the last two days so now is time to haul arse and get things in order.

Have a great weekend.

Procrastinator Extraordinaire

2009-02-18T11:57:00.003+13:00

Yep.

That's me.

I am a "gunna". I'm always in the middle of telling somebody, somewhere, somehow .... that I am going to finish my Naturopathy, I am going to exercise more, I am going to spend more time with the kids, I am going to spend less time on the computer, I am going to learn to sew, I am going to get my budget on track, I am going to have a date with my husband every two months, I am going to be more positive, I am going to wash the dog, I am going to get the house in order, I am going to a million and one bloody things but .... do I ever?? No I bloody well don't.

I NEVER do any of those things.

I have walked for 20 mins this week. Whoopdee shit.

I have had the house in order for a total of two hours. Whoopdee shit.

I have done about 30 mins on my Abnormal Structure and Function assignment. Whoopdee shit.

That's basically the crux of it. Whoopdee bloody shit. What is the key to walking the walk?? And believe me, I can talk the talk, I can advise every Tom, Dick and Harriet what THEY should be doing for optimal health and happy living. So why the hell can I not follow through with my journey. Am I just a lazy bitch?? Really, maybe it's time to admit that I may just be. So then, how to you get your lazy gone?? How do you get sexy, motivated, healthy, fit, loving, "doing" back??

AAAAAARGHHHH HELP ME ...........................................

And In Being Myself I Shall Contend With .....

2009-02-17T13:48:00.003+13:00

those that won't like it!!

I said to Mum the other afternoon, I'm over my hair, I've always wanted dreadlocks, I think I might get them. Do you know what she said??

Grow up. Grow Up?? Grow the fuck up???

Why is it that so many people are intent on voicing their opinions on people's personal preference?

Some of you may recall early last year when I shaved my head bald to raise money for Leukaemia. Well, previous to that I had been having an overwhelming urge to shave my head bald anyway, it was really a bit of a copout on my behalf that I used the Shave for A Cure as a way of doing something I really wanted to do under the guise of a charity. Don't get me wrong, I had my motivations for raising awareness for Leukaemia as well but I gained from it also.

Maybe I should start a charity that involves getting dreads in return for sponsorhip to do it. What would be an appropriate charity for funds to go towards raised from a person getting their head dreaded??

On Track

2009-02-16T09:06:00.002+13:00

Blair starts his new job today. He was so nervous this morning, of course he wouldn't admit it but, I knew.

So, with my husband on track and doing his bit, it's my turn to get the ball rolling.

I am, as many of you know, studying Naturopathy. I have been since 1999!! Ten years FFS!! I have withdrawn from the course twice when I have had babies or fulltime jobs and it's just not been possible to handle four little kids, a full time job, life and full time correspondence study.

But now is the time for me. I am home until Sian starts school in just under three years. Until then I am studying hard out to make sure I am a qualified Naturopath as soon as possible. Then I will do a post grad year via Charles Stuart Uni in Australia to gain my Bachelor in Health Sciences (Comp Medicine).

This is all part of the real me. I have tossed this career choice back and forth a hundred times. I am an undecisive person, I struggle to stick with a decision but I am really attempting to be true to myself and, most importantly, stop with the excuses and get off my buttocks (generous that they are) and make it happen. For me.

Living true to oneself is the only way to live, or else you live a wasted life.

What is your truth?

Whom I Be Rolling With #1

2009-02-11T09:09:00.004+13:00

A few bloggers I know do this, or did this. They would regularly let you into their world of blog reading. Now you all know what I blog about, from the comments you can see who is reading and commenting. So I thought, to let you into what I enjoy, I will give you an insight into what I enjoy reading.

There will be four categories:

Mod Cons: Blogs that I am just starting to enjoy.

Faithfuls: My favourites, the girls or boys that are my comfort, my ears, my daily reads, laughs and from whom I take the most life lessons from.

Antiques: Those that have gone, maybe to come back, maybe not, some missing in action.

and

The Secret Drawer: The password blogs. Those that I have the privledge of being invited to read.

Now I have titled them all based on household items, I don't know why, I just have.

The Mod Cons are the new gadgets, the little things that you're glad you have discovered to make life easier or better.

The Faithfuls are the comfort blankets, the old cushions, the favourite chair, the best place in the house, life would be hard without them.

The Antiques are the old treasures in your house. They timeless, valuable yet you don't use them anymore...

and the Secret Drawer, well that's where you hide the vibrator!!! The good things that for whatever reason aren't left on the kitchen table.

So the first inaugral post:

My current Mod Con is Epskee at Barrel of Monkeez. This woman is brilliant, outspoken, real. I love her frankness, open book attitude and love that I found her. Check her out when you have a spare minute but be warned, she is self proclaimed 18+, not for the easily offended.

My Faithfuls, there are SO many of you that help me out daily and you all know who you are and I will be going through each and every one of you (it would help if some of you would blog more regularly again *AHEM* moving on). The first of you to be mentioned is my darling Therese at Middle Child. This gem of lady is one of the few people in life that I truely admire. Every time I read her I swell with emotion, I feel her heart and mind and soul. She is a brilliant writer, mother, artist, wife and advocate of the downtrodden. She runs against the mainstream and has dealt with a shit load of adversity in the last couple of years losing her paraplegic husband Don in a myriad of medical fuckups that ended his brilliant life. She is strong, spiritual and I wish I lived next door to her!! I found her through Cazzie, who I found through Steph, who I found through Kirsty. It's all about networking.

The Antique of this post, I had two in mind who I am fully missing but, due to her recent Facebook admissions, and the fact that this post is getting really long and I can combine the Antiques with the Secret Drawer with this one - my hidden antique vibrator this time around is Becks at Does My Opinion Look Big in This?. Obviously you will have needed to have previously been invited to this blog to see the musings of this awesome woman. She is vivacious, wears her heart on her sleeve, gorgeous, real, a brilliant mother, has overcome setbacks and has shown how a positive attitude can have a positive effect on your life. She found love and happiness and decided to leave to focus on her lovely life but ....... she is a natural writer, flamboyant story teller and I have a feeling that the lights may be about to come back on over at this little cottage of love. Is that the glow of a lantern I see in the back room?? I think it is xxxxxx

Enjoy

Whom I Be Loving #3

2009-02-09T10:42:00.002+13:00

Me!!

For once in my life I actually feel pretty great in myself. I'm not that fond of the weight, it's slowly coming down, put a kg on last week but it's pre menstrual week, I had eaten some gluten due to being hugely lazy and I paid for it.

But I am starting to sit back and look at me.

A good hard look.

I am determined to start living it the way I want to. I have spent too many years trying to be something I'm not.

I've spent too many years eating my cares away and hating myself with a passion.

I am now loving me.

Jules.

Mum of four.

Wife to one.

Intelligent, beautiful, funny (I could even go as far as saying I'm quite hilarious), strong minded, outspoken at times, fair, loving, caring, I'd do anything i could to help you out.

I'm a pretty great person.

So, at a risk of getting a big head, what do you love about me? Don't be shy, I'm sure there is a heap of pink fluffies coming my way.

A Bunch of Random Things

2009-02-04T15:53:00.002+13:00

**If you could would you lick your own anus or vadge or sausage if you have one?? I was just watching the cat give her arse a good clean and after my initial "holy fuck, what the hell are you doing?" reaction that I always get when I see her doing it, I then started to contemplate the handiness of it all. Not for cleaning purposes mind, I was thinking of the self satisfaction one could achieve. I remember a boy at high school (whose name escapes me but whose unfortunate face is forever etched in my memory) and his brother walked in on him in the empty bath trying desperately to suck his own dick. Ten points for effort but would you really want to???

**Why do we constantly conform to other's standards?? I have been recently reminded that some of my inner turmoil comes from the fact that I constantly have in my mind the person I am "expected" to be and if differs dramatically from the person I WANT to be. I am, as previously blogged, a hippie waiting to escape. But my father has always been outwardly damning of the hippie lifestyle. More so of those that bludge of the government so that they can sit on their arses smoking pot and doing fuck all. I am of the hippie mindset that working still applies but natural health, chakras, incense, inner peace etc etc, are all good things. More importantly I expect that one should live their life the way they want to, as long as it doesn't impede on other's safety or happiness. Eg if you like killing people then that is not okay, if you like beating animals that is not okay, if you like massive parties but live in a complex with five hundred other apartments that is not okay.

**Losing weight is not about dieting. It fucken isn't okay!! It's about taking control of your out of control eating. It's about expending more energy than you are taking in, it's about eating well balanced, nutritional meals the majority of time, but still allowing yourself to have luxuries as long as you don't beat yourself up for it and as long as you aren't indulging in luxury all day long.

**Housework sucks baboon arse. I mean seriously, who the fuck likes cleaning?? If you do, come see me, we can tee up a live in arrangement where you clean in exchange for my witty and outspoken company. Anyone interested??

**Blogging is great. I know, silly statement but very recently I have been overwhelmed at some of my closest friends and their insights and helpfulness. And the majority of you I have never met. Without this social network you would not have had the joy of my ramblings and I would not have had the joy of yours.

And the Winds of Change Are Blowing ...

2009-01-30T15:17:00.001+13:00

Blair just phoned to say he passed the medical with flying colours, the HR lady just phoned and made official offer of job, is couriering our the Offer of Employment now.

So .....

My husband fucken rocks my socks!!

Organisation, Now Beginning ......

2009-01-30T10:21:00.003+13:00

Keep the rhythym, keep it going.......

I was watching Supernanny last night

And I need to get some sort of routine in my life.

I am all over the place and my kids have no structure.

Apparently it's all about routine, so I think I'm going to do a little planner up.

As gay as it may sound I really need to try something.

Lost another 600g this week, slowly but surely. Didn't exercise, drunk wine at our BBQ on Saturday and ate a bit shittily but didn't beat myself up about it. That's life. So down to 106.8kg. I'll be at a good healthy weight by the end of the year if I keep this up.

Blair had his test, seemed all good but needs to wait for results to go to the HR department and we will find out either way early next week. Fingers crossed.

This is a boring arse post so I'll sign off, have a great weekend and I'll be back with exciting shit next week.

To Quote Yazz ......

2009-01-26T11:09:00.003+13:00

The only way is up!!!

Firstly, lost another 800g as at Friday. That's 4.8kg in 3 weeks and takes me from 112.2 to 107.4kg. Yay. Moving on.

The day after my last post Blair got a letter in the mail saying "thanks but no thanks" for the job he was desperately waiting to hear about. It gutted him to say the least.

Then after a tumultuous week of trying to decide what we were going to do ....

on Friday he gets a phone call at work from the HR Admistrator for the job he'd missed out on.

"Hi Blair, I understand you would have received a letter last week saying you missed out on the job, well, we'd now like to offer you that positions, dependant on a successful medical and drug test and after confirmation of your referees."

Of course, Blair is through the roof happy.

He is stressing a wee bit though. Blair and I are very occassional pot smokers. Let's just say that a small amount would last us near on a year. Blair hadn't had any for ages and then, when he got the letter that he'd missed out he had a few drinks that Friday night and later on, decided to have a wee smoke. Of course now he is stressing his butt off that he is going to fail the pre employment urine test. Me, I don't think it should be a big issue. He is only a very occassional smoker, surely it will be out of his system after 13 days. Surely???

Anyone know the ins and outs of this sort of thing??

And please don't judge us if this is not your cup of tea, we all have our ways of living our lives, if we aren't harming you, please don't condemn us.

Economic Arse Turn

2009-01-16T09:41:00.002+13:00

So 2008 sucked anus for a number of reasons. Some you know, some you don't.

2009 is starting well health wise. I have made some permanent changes, am losing weight, another 800g this week, putting total to 4kg in 2 weeks (8.8pds). I feel better, am walking and enjoying that side of life.

On the shit side we may recall that I lost my job in November. Blair found work, albeit temporary, at a building company and has just found out that he has one week until no longer required. Building consents are down to a 17 year low. Building is not an industry in NZ to be trying to find work in!!

The registration is overdue on our Isuzu Bighorn, the diesel miles are 13,000 overdue, the Honda has been sitting in the drive since Blair's accident and is 2 weeks off being deregistered due to being unlicensed. I can't relicense it before it has a Warrant of Fitness. I can't get a WOF without a new tyre, a new battery, a new front passenger window and the driver's seat being fixed - and a years registration being paid up!! I am 4 weeks behind in the rent but have a set up with my landlady to pay an extra $125 a week on top of our regular rent to get on top of things. I'm behind on the credit card payments, I'm behind on the GE Money loan, my dog's shots are due ..... you are getting the picture here???

Blair was down to one of three for a trainee structures worker position with Ontrack (the government department that manages the railway lines etc) and had his interview on 22nd December. We have yet to hear anything. In a year we have gone from being in credit with all bills, on top of everything, savings in the bank to being in this absolutely shit position with only 2 more pays!!

So last night I sat Blair down and we tried to nut through what angle we are going to take to get through this. With any normal bloke this would be fine but Blair being Blair, whenever he is under stress he lashes out verbally and feels like he is backed into a corner. He doesn't handle it all being on him. Now, I could get a job but we have had issues with Blair being at home and it pretty much can't be an option for me to not be here. My eldest is about to get her period, is getting wee boobies etc and Blair just doesn't cope with this new change and Peta really needs Mum here for her. It goes deeper, there is conflict and it is imperative that I am here.

Blair just refused to talk about our options last night, packed a shit about everything being on him etc and went to bed. Leaving me at my wit's bloody end.
When the fuck is our break going to come??
When the fuck is my husband going to grow up??
When the fuck????

I'm Going Hippy

2009-01-13T13:39:00.001+13:00

I've decided, that's fucken enough.

I've had it with being responsible and planning life time and time again to hve it fail.

I am going to the bush------y armpits brigade. I'm am going to burn incense (already do), smoke pot and have wonton sex with my husband and wear moontime cotton pads and rinse them in a bucket and pour the fertile water over my vegetables (salad anyone??).

I'm going to celebrate my womanhood, my life, my spirituality and I'm going to get the crystals out and balance my chakras. I'm going to smile and make my own bootleg rum and live off the land and bathe in the river and warm my bare breasts under the sun.

I'm going to let my kids run feral in the fields and chase butterflies and skip and sleep under the stars. I'm going to swim in the river, listen to the trees and rise and fall by the sun.

I'm going to live, laugh, love and be happy (when the red red robin comes bob bob bobbin along).

I'm going to learn tantric sex and dance under the moon and be a witch and make potions and wear flowy skirts and tie dyed indian tops.

Fuck it's going to be great ..... anyone else up for it???

Dub Did A Laaaaaa......

2009-01-09T09:47:00.002+13:00

First week of my new life change, gluten free (ok, apart from one small fish and chip slip up --- moving on ...), more water, moving more, healthier options resulted in a loss of

.

.

.

.

..

...

....

.....

3.2kg baby!! That's 7pds for you pound people.

So, this blog ain't about weight loss and I wasn't going to do full posts purely about my weekly weighin but fuck it ... I deserve to break my own rules.

Turmoil

2009-01-08T09:03:00.002+13:00

Drownings, trampers going missing, children dying in fires ....

What is it about summer that makes people think they are invincible and no longer heed the natural warnings and danger signs of life??

The one that affects me the most is the fires. There have been a number of deaths recently of children in fires. This week four children were killed in a house fire. The adults had been frying food and left the pan unattended. A harsh price to pay for a bit of absentmindedness. (is that a word??)

Sunburn?? I had my sister in law pop around the other day with her kids and mother in tow. The mother is 64 and yet, was foolish enough to sit outside with her bra and pants on (skin that never usually sees the light of day) and had severe sunburn. What a dick. I mean any mother, especially a grandmother, knows that the sun burns.

People!!! Think about things, take a minute to assess the risks, we aren't invincible, sometimes you just can't be so cruisey. You have to pick and choose the things in life that are cruise-worthy.

Be safe.

Enough Said:

2009-01-02T17:14:00.001+13:00

112.2kg!! FFFFFFS!!

2009!!

2009-01-01T18:59:00.002+13:00

Thank fuck for that.

Goodbye year from hell.

Let's never meet again.

Hello 2009, year of basics.

That is what it will be for me. Basics, no complications, living in the now, positive thoughts bringing positive things.
Changes for good, no diets, organisation on my behalf.

Love you all.

Weigh in tomorrow, no sane person weighs on New Years Day after drinking alcohol till 3am in the morning!!

What is a Resolution?

2008-12-29T14:33:00.005+13:00

It's that time of year again, we all do it, or we try not to do it but somewhere in the deep chasms of our minds we think - this year I'm going to .....

So I thought it a great time to actually look at what RESOLUTION actually means.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The term Resolution may refer to:

Resolution (Historic), Formal statement of opinion or policy.
Resolution (medicine), the subsiding or termination of an abnormal condition
Resolution (logic), a rule of inference used for automated theorem proving.
Resolution (law), a written motion adopted by a deliberative body.
Resolution (music), a technique in music theory.
Resolution (meter), the replacement of one longum with two brevia
New Year's resolution
Chiral resolution, a process in stereochemistry for the separation of racemic compounds into their enantiomers
Resolution, a Douglas DC-6 aircraft, BCPA Flight 304, which crashed near San Francisco in 1953

The one I like best is the medical version.

THE SUBSIDING OR TERMINATION OF AN ABNORMAL CONDITION

It is not normal (and therefore abnormal) for one to self loathe, for one to intentionally harm their chances of survival, for one to stuff their face full of shite, for one to be unhappy.

This coming year I will make steps to love myself, increase my chances of survival, nourish my body with healthy choices, and above all - I am going to be happy. Happiness is a state of the mind. I can choose what state of mind I reside in the majority of the time. I choose happiness. There is no other choice.

So, it is time to look back at the past year, time has flown by but when I list it out, what has happened?:

January: Blair started working for Dad, we finally got ahead financially and were in a great place, saving hard for Aussie and selling up things like our tent and camping gear.

February: Blair's brother got married, I fell off the gluten free band wagon by eating fresh bread and never looking back. We decided, with a bit of guidance from Dad, that moving wasn't the best idea when we still had debt. I lost my way.

March: Blair got done for drink driving, fell asleep at the wheel, crossed the middle line and ended up in a hedge. Lost license for 8 months. Blair also put the Isuzu into the river, flooding it and putting kids in danger (well his brother was driving but it was Blair's guidance that put him in the hole). I finally made the decision to do something for myself and get some counselling.

April: Shaved my head bald to raise funds for Leukaemia, you darlings helped me raised $800. My brain was cold!! Had first counselling session, found out I had post traumatic stress disorder and more. Found a big four bedroom rental, signed up for it and was all packed and ready to move.

May: Blair threw in his $30/hour job with Dad over difference of opinion, we lost our new rental, went to the Foo Fighters in Auckland (fucken highlight of the year!!), contemplated going hard and using our June tickets to Aussie and I got a job as Office chick a rooney at Truck firm.

June: Blair settled into house bitch position. I was extremely busy and burning candles left right and centre.

July: Stopped studying Naturopathy, too burnt out. Challenged myself big time at counselling.

August: Paid $260 to take Phoebe to gluten expert, not much of an experience. Blood tests galore for me. Tired, exhausted even, feeling undervalued and just struggling to survive a day at a time.

September: A good mate left her husband, my sister's vocal chord froze, work started to suck because of boss and his wife.

October: Turned 33, fatter than ever, reached 115kg, decided that we would fast track the Aussie decision and put plans in place.

November: Blair left for Aussie, day after he left mass showed up in previous lung xray, he returned 9 days later. Lump turned out to be nothing but the shadow of his nipple. I lost my job, forced into resignation by manipulative and evil boss who had already shafted one of the directors and founder of company and the long term office lady. Unemployed.

December: Blair found work temporarily, applied for trainee structures worker position with the railways and we had a lean but fun Christmas, I found out I have prediabetes and I am currently strategizing to start achieving my health goals.

What you been up to??

Xmas On a Budget

2008-12-19T10:36:00.002+13:00

So.... we have no money.

Blair only got his first pay this week, we had no savings at all, was all spent getting Blair to Aussie and then back again!! After I lost my job and they didn't pay my holiday pay correctly, we have been left very short.

So having no Christmas presents hidden away I have had to do things on a budget.

I have bought things like Barbie plasters, little "men's" shampoo and shower gel packs, Cool Charm spray, groovy new toothbrushes etc etc. I am getting things my kids NEED and turned them into things they are going to like and be happy to open on Christmas Day.

Peta is getting a Miley Cyrus CD (puke!!) and some roller blades.

Ben is getting an All Blacks duvet and polar fleece blanket set and a remote control tarantula (from the supermarket!!)

Phoebe wants pretend high heels and tattoos!! $2 shop.

and little wee Sian is getting a baby stroller which I should be able to pick up for stuff all.

Afterall, it's about the family not the gifts aye???

How to Start?

2008-12-10T11:37:00.002+13:00

Firstly, I have ditched Gluten Free Geisha. I couldn't be arsed with it any more. Having one blog is hard enough without having two!

I am starting on the road to health and it is going to be hard. Not so much travelling the road but getting onto the bloody road. How does one get on?? I feel like that chic in the Labyrinth when she can't find a way out of that long maze thing when she first gets into it. I know what to do but how do I actually do it? Planning is going to be the big factor for me.

I have also restarted my Naturopathy. I KNOW!! I can't let it go. I keep trying to but it just keeps coming back so it must be meant to be.

I am about to hop on the scales for the first time in about 2 months.

And the number is:::::::::::

111.8kg!!

Not actually as bad as I thought. I had presumed it had gotten a lot higher. This time last year I was about 10kg lighter.

So my first goal is to get started.

And not on a diet but on a healthier way of life, something I can sustain and continue.

A Fork In The Road

2008-12-08T12:08:00.002+13:00

I was so close to giving up.

Not just blogging but on life in general. I have had a hell of a time over the last month.

I lost my job and am taking them to court for constructive dismissal. Apparently I was a bit too outspoken and my job just got taken away from me till I was sitting in an office doing noo tang!!

Have had severe family issues but I am not going into them. They were the worst though!!

I am coming out the other side, reassessing - as we are constantly doing, and I am ready to attack life again. Live it. Love it. Attract good things and repel the bad. I just signed up to complete my naturopathy. I shall fucken do it.

Blair has gone back to work, got the all clear on his lungs after coming back from Aussie with the worry of it all. Apparently it was a nipple shadow. Barstards!!

Anyway, it sent us in a new direction. We are what matter, not where we live or what we have so we are focusing on us as a family, a couple and as individuals. It will be great times ahead.

My blood tests (which I finally had) came back with exceedingly high fasting insulin levels. I am in a state of "pre diabetes" and I desperately need to address that.

My counselling finished, I discovered myself a lot but still feel that I am not quite the full package but what I did realise, is I am the ONLY person that can do anything about that. We choose how we react, act and live. I choose me.

I am sorry I haven't been around and I can promise that I probably won't get to read the 1725 posts that I haven't read yet on bloglines. That is yesterday, that is past, I won't go back. I can only go forward.

I look forward to sharing again.

Lots of love.

Jules

Have I Broken A Mirror??

2008-11-03T21:17:00.003+13:00

My darling left for Brisbane yesterday.

Much emotional blubbing and hugs at the airport.

Before he went he was a bit sick. Ages okay we all had it, about 5 weeks ago. Blair never got over his and we thought his onset of hayfever may be taking over and not allowing him to mend.

On Thursday morning we went to the doctor and he mentioned that he had coughed up a big lump of blood the previous Monday. Our doctor sent him for an urgent chest x ray as he knew Blair was leaving for Aussie on Sunday.

We didn't get any call so we thought things were fine.

Tonight my doctor phoned to say that the x ray showed up a 1.2cm nodule in his left lung and that he will need to go and get further x rays in Brisbane. Blair was a smoker for about 14 years, he gave up over 5 years ago.

Just when we thought we were on the way - what the fuck is the universe sending me?

It just has to be fine, we are finally doing it.

It'll be nothing.

My Plate is Full

2008-10-26T20:15:00.002+13:00

I have so much going on.

Blair is off to Brisbane next Sunday to find work. He is staying with my brother and hopefully has a couple of leads to start him working.

I am stoked but also very apprehensive about it.

Blair is my best friend, my soul mate, my business partner in raising our kids.

We have never been apart more than four nights in our ten years together.

He will come home for Christmas and then go back, find a house and a car etc and then we will head over end of March after my best mate's wedding.

I really want to go straight to the Sunshine Coast but as he has the contacts in Brisbane we may have to settle there first.

(Anyone know of any carpenter positions in the Maroochydore area???)

***************************************************************

My sister had her MRI, the results came back "nothing sinister" and then five days later she was phoned to come back and have an ultrasound because there was a growth on her right thyroid. She went for that on Thursday, got a student who did a crap job (including telling her that everything looked fine to her and she didn't even know why they'd bothered to ask her back!!). Then the Radiologist phoned her back the next day and said that the student had done a crap job and that she needed to come back on Tuesday morning, have it done properly by himself and he would be performing a biopsy then and there if he sees anything on her thyroid. I couldn't believe it. That is one of the first things you know as a student of anything, you don't give any prognosis or diagnosis, especially during the ultrasound. You wait for a professional to lood over the results. She's scared but optimistic.

***************************************************************

Work has been shite.

There are things happening in the upper ranks with the boss from up north and his shit face wife. Looks like they are staging a take over of the company and that is going to suck arse.

Update later

***************************************************************

I graduated from counselling.

I have come a long long way in my self esteem and I am coping with things on a whole new level. My outlook on things has improved beyond sight.

Summary to follow

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The Life and Times of a Paperclip

2008-10-06T13:48:00.002+13:00

Ever wondered where a paperclip has been?

All of you that work with paperwork must, at some point in the working week, use a paperclip.

You buy them by the little plastic bag full.

They are shiny and new in your paperclip holder.

You attach one to a cheque.

You send that cheque to a creditor.

The creditor then puts it in their paperclip holder.

And so on.

Some get unbent and used to clean out nails.

Used as tooth picks.

Others travel and travel, may end up in a bank.

Where is the final resting place of a paperclip or is it destined to travel the world forever?

Some literally will travel from country to country.

I would love to microchip one and see where it goes in winter.

How to Manage Stress

2008-10-02T13:47:00.002+13:00

Remember that it takes 48 muscles to frown and only 5 to slap the crap out of someone!!

One of my biggest ailments in stress.

It plays havoc with my health, my emotional wellbeing and my weight.

I have many daily stresses and they are big ones.

My counsellor pointed out to me last night that she has one major stress at the moment that she is dealing with. I am dealing with at least 8 and I have to do something about it and quickly - or die. Seriously, it is that grim.

I am currently working through ways to limit the stress.

You can help.

Give me your ideas about possible solutions. Pick one from the list, two, or all of them if you're keen.

A problem shared is a problem halved.

My Current Stress List:

1. Wife of Big Boss, lives up north, controls all of the accounts, constantly fucks up, gets stressed at me for not doing things her way and then I have to redo things correctly later on. She will not talk to me on the phone, will only email.

2. Workshop administrator leaves tomorrow, I will be doing two jobs for at least a month.

3. Blair gets his license back in 8 weeks. We will get through Xmas and then have to get him back to work. Then have the stress of childcare, along with the cost and for how long?

4. Getting to Aussie, we need to get there, do we send Blair to work here and save slowly and get nowhere fast or do we do it hard in the New Year, send him to Aussie say February to get a job and then we get there a lot sooner?

5. Sister, can I please have some advice on how to stop worrying about the MRI results that she doesn't get until Oct 6th?

6. Finances, struggling to get by on our one wage, really struggling.

7. Kids, they are missing me hugely. Ben especially. It's hard!!

The Couch is Being Repossessed

2008-09-26T14:29:00.002+12:00

My darling counsellor and giver of great couch time is leaving to live in Australia.

I only have 3 more sessions left.

Woe is me.

I feel like I'm getting there but I would love a little longer. Just have to make quality time of it.

Why do people drive through pea soup fog with their lights off?? WTF is up with that?